


Roads We Could Have Walked - Season Two

by Riley_Sivertsen



Series: Roads We Could Have Walked - BBC Merlin Re-imagining [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), But a lovable one, Canon Compliant, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gwen and Arthur Are Best Bros, Gwen is Too Smart For These People, Idiots in Love, M/M, Merlin is an idiot, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oblivious Merlin (Merlin), Unrequited Love, beautiful friendships, they try their best okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:34:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22333477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riley_Sivertsen/pseuds/Riley_Sivertsen
Summary: This is one fan's re-imagining of BBC Merlin.Every season and most episodes re-told in the hopes of giving every character and story-line the story they deserved - or at least a story slightly different from what they got.I am putting a lot of faith in my fellow fans here, since I only included the scenes I, well, wanted to!
Relationships: Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Merthur
Series: Roads We Could Have Walked - BBC Merlin Re-imagining [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603612
Comments: 44
Kudos: 306





	1. S2E1 - The Curse of Cornelius Sigan

**Author's Note:**

> **** Much of this content is taken directly from the original script of BBC Merlin ****  
> This is my re-telling of BBC Merlin the way I wish it would have gone, going through most of the episodes in the whole series. The way I did that was by taking transcripts from each episode and go through and alter, add and remove according to my own preference.  
> I do not claim to have written any of the original content! This is a fan re-interpretation of the original show as it was aired. I love this show with all my heart and just want to share my dream version of it with the rest of the fandom <3
> 
> I love this fandom so much, you have all brought me so much joy <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 1, series 2 of BBC Merlin - The Curse of Cornelius Sigan.
> 
> Arthur tries to distance himself from Merlin, and a new, overenthusiastic servant gives him the perfect opportunity to do it.

Arthur started to realise it following their strange conversation after Arthur nearly died. There had been something in Merlin’s eyes that day, much more than what he said out loud, and it had warmed Arthur in an inexplicable way he didn’t quite understand. Later, when he had observed Merlin say goodbye to his mother in the Square, seen him embrace her and send her on her way, and Merlin had turned and spotted Arthur looking out his window.

Merlin had stopped and stared, and Arthur got the distinct impression that Merlin hadn’t expected to see Arthur again. That his odd speech earlier had been Merlin trying to say goodbye. Which led Arthur to suspect that perhaps his miraculous recovery wasn’t entirely Gaius’s doing.

That suspicion, accompanied with the unprincely fear at the idea of Merlin disappearing from his life, led Arthur to a very difficult but necessary realisation.

He had let himself get too close to Merlin, and for both of their sakes, Arthur needed to pull back. He could barely imagine how, which was why, when an overeager bootlicker showed up trying to drive Merlin mad, Arthur didn’t see any other choice but to take full advantage – whether he liked it or not.

*

“Hurry up, Merlin,” Arthur said, waiting for his horse to be ready for the hunt.

“Sorry,” Merlin said, stepping away from the horse and indicating everything was prepared. Arthur regretted every decision he’d made in his life when he stepped into the saddle and fell straight to the ground.

“Merlin!”

Merlin stood beside him, staring, confused. “I don’t understand.”

“Well, there’s a surprise,” Arthur said.

“I did that girth up myself.”

“I think that might have been the problem!” Arthur exclaimed, the growing bruise on his hip making it very difficult to be forgiving.

“It wasn’t my fault,” Merlin started, and Arthur would have cut him off with more insults if another voice hadn’t interrupted.

“Would you like me to fit the girth properly for you, Sire?”

Arthur looked at the newcomer, taller than Merlin and just as skinny, but nowhere near as attractive. _Shut up,_ Arthur thought to himself.

“Thank you,” Arthur said as the man got to work.

“It’s an honour to be of service to the prince,” the man said. Arthur smirked.

“An honour. Do you hear that, Merlin?”

“Allow me the honour of brushing your clothes down,” the newcomer said, and started doing so without awaiting a response.

Arthur locked eyes with Merlin. “The honour,” he mouthed, having a very good time with himself. Merlin looked like he wanted to thrash the newcomer.

“Anything else I can do for you, sir?” the man said.

While it had been amusing, Arthur was already getting tired of the man’s simpering ways, but Merlin had that particular look on his face that always made Arthur want to poke fun at him even more – besides, the more he leaned into his more petty tendencies, the more he pushed Merlin away.

“Well,” Arthur said, “you can give Merlin here a kick up the backside.”

The man chuckled. “I wouldn’t wish to deprive you of the pleasure, sir.”

How did he manage to even grovel even as he told a joke? Arthur laughed anyway.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Cedric. I’ve come to Camelot in search of work.”

“Good,” Arthur said. He wasn’t likely to get a better opportunity than this. “You can be a beater on the hunt. We’re short of a man or two.”

“You’re too kind, Sire,” Cedric said gratefully.

“Here,” Merlin said when he thought Arthur was no longer paying attention to them. “You’ll need a beater.”

Arthur tried very hard not to laugh at Cedric’s grunt as Merlin slapped the beater into his hands.

“Oh, sorry!”

*

Arthur had felt a little bit guilty when he allowed Cedric to trick Merlin into mucking out the stables the next morning, but it was the sort of sarcastic guilt that was easy to ignore because it was funny.

What was less funny was finding the stable empty of horses and Merlin collapsed on the floor in a very disgusting substitute for a pillow.

Arthur’s first instinct, other than to mock, was concern. It seemed quite clear something must have happened. Merlin was incompetent, but he was a light sleeper. Arthur couldn’t imagine Merlin not waking up at the sound of horses escaping around him, or the sensation of rolling over and his head landing in horse shit.

But that feeling of concern was exactly what he was trying to separate himself from. How many times had his father reacted with rage when Arthur defended Merlin? And that was before Arthur had started thinking of Merlin as a true, genuine friend _._

_Oh, is that what we’re calling it?_

_Shut up!_ Arthur yelled at his own thoughts.

No, Arthur had to take create distance between them, and he had to be serious about it, so when Cedric volunteered to take over Merlin’s duties for the night, Arthur couldn’t let himself disagree.

“Perhaps you’re right,” he said, and watched Merlin’s face fall.

“No,” Merlin argued.

“Shut up, Merlin.”

“Can’t you see what he’s trying to do?” Merlin exclaimed. “He’s trying to get rid of me, and if you weren’t such a clotpole, you’d see that!”

Of course Arthur could see it, but he swallowed that remark down.

“A what?” he asked instead.

“Clotpole,” Cedric said helpfully. “He, he said clotpole.”

“Cedric’s right,” Arthur said. “He can look after me tonight. You can go home and think about whether you want to be my servant or not.”

“But –“

“Go,” Arthur cut off Merlin’s protests.

This was going to be more difficult than he thought.

*

Merlin wanted to disappear, to melt into the stone and become one with the castle, he thought, while Gaius washed horse excrement off his face.

“I’m not an idiot,” he said pathetically.

“What happened?” Gaius said patiently.

“I just want Arthur to trust me,” he said, forcing the words past the lump in his throat. “And to see me for who I really am.”

“One day he will,” Gaius said.

“When? Everything I do is for him and he just thinks I’m an idiot.”

It hurt, it hurt more than he knew it should, the way Arthur had talked to him lately. It seemed even worse now than before, and Merlin couldn’t think of what he had done to deserve it.

“Not everyone thinks you’re an idiot,” Gaius said affectionately. “Although, looking at you now…” Only Gaius could make him laugh when he was feeling this low.

“Now is not the time to be questioning these things, Merlin,” Gaius continued. “I believe that you and Arthur are destined for greatness, and that your calling is to serve and protect him.”

Merlin believed that, too. Believed he would serve and protect Arthur even if without this infuriating destiny nonsense.

“It’s hard,” he said in a low voice.

“I know it’s hard. But Camelot is in grave peril. I’ve translated the inscription. _He who breaks my heart completes my work._ ”

Well, that couldn’t be good, could it?

*

Arthur wasn’t entirely surprised to have Merlin angrily marching into his chambers – that wasn’t exactly new – but he was surprised by what came out of his mouth.

“Cedric is possessed by an evil spirit.”

“What?”

“He tried to steal the jewel, but it wasn’t a jewel, it was a soul of an ancient sorcerer, Sigan.”

Arthur blinked. “Have you been on the cider?”

“Please, listen to me. Camelot is in mortal danger. Sigan is using Cedric’s body to take his revenge.”

Damn it, Merlin. Why did he have to make this so difficult? Every bit of Arthur believed he was telling the truth, could see it in his eyes, but this was exactly the sort of thing Arthur couldn’t encourage.

“This nonsense isn’t helping you keep your job,” he said.

“You’re not listening to me!”

Oh, he looked so angry and so hurt and Arthur hated himself. “You’re going to shout anyway? Cedric!” he called. “Will you escort Merlin from the palace?”

Cedric entered the room, and instead of quipping or arguing, Merlin _attacked_ him. Something Merlin would definitely not do unless he believed he was telling the truth.

“You’ve gone too far this time, Merlin!” Arthur shouted once he was finally able to separate them. His next words broke his heart, but he said it anyway. “You can spend a few days cooling off in the cells! Guards!”

Arthur watched as the guards took Merlin away, and once he was gone, kept as close an eye on Cedric as he could. Of course he believed Merlin. He just couldn’t let him know that.

*

“Arthur! Arthur!”

He heard Sir Geraint shout his name.

“Regroup in the square! Arthur?”

He wouldn’t get to them in time, they wouldn’t all make it to safety.

“Save yourself!” Arthur yelled over the noise. “That’s an order!”

Mercifully, they did as they were told. Arthur felt bad for them for a moment, knowing they were about to face Uther’s wrath, but at least they were more likely to survive that.

Arthur turned back into the fight.

Before long, he found himself on the ground, head swimming in black.

*

“I won’t let you hurt him.”

Was that Merlin’s voice? Arthur thought. Where did he come from? Arthur wanted to look but he couldn’t open his eyes, let alone move.

“And you’re going to stop me?”

That voice was also familiar. Cedric, but different. Sigan. Just like Merlin had said.

“I’ll stop you.”

Arthur barely recognised Merlin’s voice. It sounded so… powerful.

“He does not deserve your loyalty,” Sigan said. “He treats you like a slave.”

“That’s not true.”

Yes, it was, Arthur thought. He didn’t deserve half the loyalty Merlin showed him, and yet he kept giving it anyway.

“He cast you aside without a moment’s thought,” Sigan said.

“That doesn’t matter,” Merlin said, and his voice didn’t waver. He sounded entirely sincere and self-assured. Surely Arthur had to be dreaming this.

“But it must hurt so much to be so put upon,” Sigan continued. “So overlooked, when all the while you have such power.”

“That’s the way it has to be.”

_Oh, no_. No, Arthur couldn’t be hearing this. Damn it, why was he conscious at a time like this, when he had managed to cling to deniability for so long?

“It can, if you join me,” Sigan said. “Together we can rule over this land. Arthur will tremble at your voice; he will kneel at your feet.”

“I don’t want that,” Merlin said.

_You really don’t, do you, Merlin_?

“You’d rather be a servant?” Sigan spat the word like the insult he believed it to be.

“Better to serve a good man,” Merlin said, “than to rule with an evil one.”

Arthur’s heart soared at the same time as his fear screamed. With every word, Merlin confirmed what Arthur knew of him, but with every word Sigan spoke, Arthur went further and further away from being able to deny a knowledge that he _couldn’t_ have.

“So be it,” Sigan said. “If you will not join me, I will become you and your power will be harnessed to my will.”

_No_! Arthur struggled against the darkness in his brain, fought against the numbness in his limbs and his heavy eyelids. He needed to move, he needed to get up, he needed to protect Merlin before –

“Ic þín sáwol hér beléac, abide þæt ic þé álíese!”

No.

Too late.

Arthur would recognize Merlin’s voice even if he didn’t understand the words he spoke. And Arthur could recognize magic when he heard it.

How hard he had fought since the battle in Ealdor to _not know_. He had made every effort, taken every precaution. But now, with it spelt out so clearly for him to hear, he couldn’t hide the knowledge from himself any longer.

_Merlin has magic._

Loyal, stubborn, incompetent, infuriating, supportive, beautiful Merlin, had the one thing that was guaranteed to cause his death if Uther ever found out, and now Arthur knew.

This was the conflict Arthur had tried so hard to avoid. Once he knew, he had to consciously make a choice. It wasn’t a hard choice, it wasn’t even one he had to think about, really, but the act of making the choice was enough to feel like a betrayal.

Merlin couldn’t die.

Arthur couldn’t lose him.

Arthur had to make sure Uther never found out, which meant he had to make sure Uther never looked at Merlin too closely. Now, more than ever, Arthur had to distance himself from Merlin. He had to. It was the only way he could think of to save his life.

*

Sometime after the revelation, Arthur’s body had allowed him to pass out. Arthur was more than a little annoyed with himself. He couldn’t simply have lost consciousness a few moments sooner?

But it meant he had woken up in his own bed, which at least gave him time to gather himself before he made his way to Gaius’s chambers.

“I’ve come to see Merlin,” he said to Gaius. The physician seemed different to Arthur now, somehow. It was impossible that Gaius didn’t know the truth, which meant he had kept it hidden from Uther for who knew how long. The old man had even more courage than Arthur had given him credit for.

Eventually, Arthur was forced to look at Merlin. He sat at the table looking exactly the same as he always had, and yet Arthur would never see him the same way again.

His words from the battle still echoed in Arthur’s ears.

_That doesn’t matter._

_That’s the way it has to be._

_Better to serve a good man than to rule with an evil one._

Arthur was born a prince, but remembering those words, he was no longer certain he even knew the meaning of nobility.

He cleared his throat and forced his tone to be the same as always. “I’ve not forgotten about your lazy, insolent ways, or the fact that you called me a… clotpole. But I do have to admit that there was some truth in your accusations against Cedric.”

It was a pathetic apology even by his on standards, but it was how it had to be.

“Does this mean you’re admitting that in this occasion I was actually right?” Merlin feigned shock, smiling like he wasn’t the one who had saved everyone.

“Not exactly, no,” Arthur said. “It means that I have a knighthood to bestow first thing tomorrow morning and no one to clean my armour.”

“All that?” Merlin asked sceptically, but Arthur could see his relief.

“Yep.” With that, Arthur waltzed out of the room.

*

“Clotpole…?” Gaius said.

Merlin shrugged. “Did Arthur seem a little strange to you?”

“Strange how?” Gaius asked.

“I don’t know, just… Different, somehow.

“Not that I noticed,” Gaius said. Merlin stared at the door where Arthur had been standing a moment before.

“Hmm,” he muttered to himself. “Must have imagined it.”


	2. S2E2 - The Once and Future Queen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 2, series 2 of BBC Merlin - The Once and Future Queen.
> 
> Arthur decides to prove himself by competing undercover in a tournament. The process has some impact on two of his most important friendships.

This was a terrible idea, and Merlin was certain it was somehow going to go wrong. With the mood Arthur had been in since Sigan’s attack, and his new sudden urge to prove himself, Merlin had an overall bad feeling about this.

Merlin and Arthur entered Gwen’s small house, Gwen’s ready and waiting to receive them.

“My Lord,” she said, curtseying. Merlin fought the urge to roll his eyes – it wasn’t Gwen he had a problem with in this situation, it was his clotpole master.

“Guinevere,” Arthur said. “It’s good of you to let me stay in your home.”

“Happy to help,” she returned, and sent Merlin a desperate look like she had no idea what to do with herself. He whispered _food._

“I’ll prepare some food for you!” she exclaimed, thrilled to have a task. She yanked Merlin close and whispered in his ear. “I can’t believe you talked me into this!”

She disappeared in search of food.

“You can’t really expect me to stay here,” Arthur said, keeping his voice down.

“We need to keep you out of sight, and we can trust Gwen not to tell anyone you’re here.”

Arthur looked around the small room. “I doubt anyone would believe it.”

“You really can’t go without your big bed and soft pillows?” Merlin didn’t bother disguising his annoyance.

Arthur gave him a look. “This will be fine.” He raised his voice from hushed to normal. “How are the preparations coming along? Have you found someone to play our knight in the tournament?”

“Absolutely,” Merlin replied. “He’s a farmer from one of the outlying villages, and no one will recognise him.”

“But does he look the part?”

_He doesn’t look down his nose at everyone_ , Merlin thought. _You’ll have to teach him that._

*

Arthur entered the tent and tossed William the helmet. “You must go and acknowledge the crowd.”

“How do I do that?” the substitute knight asked.

“You wave, they cheer; it’s not difficult.”

William left with a look on his face as though he thought it was all much more complicated than Arthur had explained.

“I do all the work, someone else gets all the praise,” Arthur said as the crowd cheered outside the tent.

“Know the feeling,” Merlin muttered under his breath, and Arthur resisted the sudden urge to look ashamed of himself.

“When I win this tournament,” he said, “I’ll reveal my true identity, get the credit I deserve.”

“Of course you will.”

Arthur hated the disgust in Merlin’s voice. He knew he had intentionally put it there, but he loathed it. He wanted to apologise, to thank Merlin for saving his kingdom and stopping a powerful, evil sorcerer. But the risk to his safety had to come before anything else.

“Well don’t just stand there,” Arthur snapped. “Help me off with my armour. And remember to polish it before tomorrow. The horse needs grooming. And don’t forget to repair the broken lances.”

This behaviour was much less fun when he wasn’t doing it for a laugh.

*

“From what I hear,” Gwen said that evening, “the ladies of the court are quite impressed with Sir William. They think he’s very handsome.”

“Typical,” Arthur said. His mood was sour after Merlin’s words in the tent, and he was wallowing in it. “He wouldn’t know a real knight if he whacked him round the head with his lance.”

Gwen was quiet for a long time, and Arthur was just about to ask if something was wrong when she spoke again.

“Why are you doing this?” she asked.

Arthur swallowed and decided to be honest. She had returned that favour more than once. “I fear that people respect me just because of my title.”

Gwen paused. “I don’t believe that’s true of everyone.”

“Would you tell me if it were?”

A small smile crept across her lips. “No,” she admitted.

“When I’m competing as William,” Arthur said, “my title doesn’t matter, nobody gives me special treatment. So when I win this tournament… _If_ I win this tournament, it will be because I deserve it and not because I am Prince Arthur.”

He sat quietly, feeling all the aches the tournament had left him with. He probably didn’t smell like a field of flowers, either. “I think I’ll take a bath.”

“That might be difficult,” Gwen said, “seeing as I don’t have a bathtub.”

Oh, right, of course. He was so tired he could barely jump from one thought to the next. “Er… Perhaps you could prepare me a bowl of hot water? I take it you have a bowl.”

“I think I can manage a bowl. Just walk all the way down to the well and fetch some water, shall I?”

There was something different about Gwen’s voice, but Arthur was too tired to really notice what it was. “Thank you.”

*

“Congratulations, you’re in the final!” Merlin said when Arthur made it back to the tent.

“Go on then,” Arthur said to William. “Your people await you.” William left the tent. “No one can say Sir Leon let me win this time.”

“Sounds like the crowd’ve really taken to William,” Merlin said as the cheers rose even louder outside.

“That will change when I reveal my identity,” Arthur said.

“You really miss getting all the attention, don’t you?”

“Just go water the horse, will you?”

*

“Guinevere?” Arthur asked when he shut the door behind him.

“Just a minute,” he heard her call from the back.

“Do you have a needle and thread?” Arthur asked. “My shirt needs mending.”

He walked towards the sound of her voice, fussing over his shirt. When he noticed Gwen standing in what seemed to be a pantry, he stopped.

“Is this where you sleep?” he asked in surprise. “Where’s your bed?”

Gwen looked extremely uncomfortable. “You’re sleeping in it.”

Arthur blinked. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“How could I?” Gwen said. “You’re Prince Arthur! Besides, you didn’t give me the chance. You just assumed the bed was yours.”

Arthur thought back and realised she was right. “Well, how am I supposed to know if you don’t tell me?”

“You shouldn’t need to be told to think of someone other than yourself, you’re not a child.”

Gwen looked horrified at what she had just said, but she held her ground, not shrinking back and apologising like she had before when she had accidentally spoken her mind without editing it.

“Is there anything else you’d like to say to me?” Arthur asked. He was feeling uncomfortably defensive. “Please, I’d like to hear it. If there’s something you want to say to me, don’t let me stop you.”

Gwen’s eyes widened. “You don’t have any idea, do you?”

“About what?”

“About how rude and arrogant you can be!” Gwen shouted. “This is my home and you are my guest in it! I know you are used to more luxurious quarters, but that is not an excuse to be rude! You claim titles don’t matter to you, but you behave like a prince and expect me to wait on you like a servant! Saying it means nothing if your actions betray you. I always thought Merlin was exaggerating when he complained about you, but now I wonder how on earth he’s had the patience to stick around! Would it kill you to say please and thank you once in a while?” Gwen took a deep breath and looked sheepishly at her feet. “My Lord.”

Arthur stared. “Is there anything else you’d like to add?”

“No,” Gwen said, seeming to have finally come back to herself. “I think that’s it.”

“You’re right,” Arthur said. “You have invited me into your home and I have behaved appallingly.” Really, he had invited himself in, if he was being honest.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel bad,” Gwen said, looking like she was trying not to laugh.

“Oh really?” Arthur said with exaggerated surprise.

“Well, perhaps a little.” Gwen’s smile widened.

Arthur sighed. “There’s no excuse. I’ll make it up to you. Tonight, I’ll make dinner for you,” he said, before it occurred to him that he had no idea how to do that.

“You’re going to cook me dinner?” She sounded as sceptical as she should.

“I most certainly am.” _What is wrong with you, you idiot_? “Now go for a walk, or do whatever it is that girls do at this time of the evening.”

Gwen smiled. “A walk would be nice.”

“Your dinner will be ready when you return!”

Gwen left, still looking rather amused, and Arthur stood in her home having no clue what to do with himself.

*

Gwen ran into Merlin just down the street from her house.

“Where’s Arthur?” he asked, because of course he did.

“He’s cooking me dinner.” Gwen still couldn’t quite believe that, but she also couldn’t believe she had just chastised the Crown Prince of Camelot, so who knew?

“Arthur’s cooking?” Merlin’s expression echoed her own.

Gwen shrugged and smiled, not knowing what to tell him, and kept walking.

It wasn’t until she was a few streets further away that she realised what Arthur cooking her dinner might sound like to Merlin.

Oops.

*

Merlin rushed into Gwen’s house and found Arthur standing in front of a raw chicken like it was an unbeatable foe.

“Merlin, thank gods!” he exclaimed.

“Gwen says you’re cooking,” Merlin said, taking in the scene. Part of him had really hoped Gwen was joking. What had happened between them for this insanity to have occurred to Arthur in the first place?

“I need you to fetch me two dinners from the palace kitchens.”

Ah, that sounded more like the Arthur he knew. _And loved._ “So you’re not cooking.”

“No,” Arthur said, “but Gwen doesn’t need to know that. As far as she’s concerned, dinner will be prepared and cooked by me.”

Merlin felt an uncomfortable cold feeling in his stomach. “You’re trying to impress her?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Merlin,” Arthur said, but Merlin couldn’t tell in what way Arthur found that question ridiculous. “And get me a decent shirt, will you? Your clothes are making me itch all over, it’s like having fleas.”

*

Merlin paused outside the house, embarrassed but unable to stop himself. He listened as Arthur greeted Gwen, heard him pulling out her chair.

“Thank you,” Gwen said. “This is delicious.”

“I’m glad you like it.”

Merlin decided he didn’t want to hear what their dinner conversation was going to be about. He started back towards home, with his heart hammering painfully in his chest.

*

“So,” Arthur asked as they were finishing their meal. “Do I have any more annoying habits you wish to tell me about?”

“No, none,” Gwen said too quickly, with a guilty look in her eyes.

“There’s something, isn’t there? What is it?”

“Well…” Gwen smiled at him. “The truth is, you snore.”

“I do not snore,” Arthur said indignantly.

“You do. The first night you were here, I thought a pig had got into the house.”

“So now I’m a pig. Thank you, Guinevere.”

“I just meant you sound like a pig!” She stopped. “That’s not better, is it? I’ll stop talking.”

Arthur stared at his empty plate for a long moment, chewing on the question he wasn’t quite sure how to ask. Finally he decided to just do it.

“Guinevere,” he said quietly. “Does Merlin really complain about me to you?”

He dared to look up and meet her gaze. It had turned a little more serious, but her kind little smile was still there. “Some of the time,” she said. “You can be quite a demanding master, you know.”

“Yes, I’m beginning to realise that.” Arthur wondered if the complaining had been taking place since before he started purposefully trying to push Merlin away.

“He doesn’t only complain about you, you know,” Gwen said gently. “He is also very proud of you, even if he would never admit it. I know he admires you.”

It felt to Arthur as if Gwen was choosing her words very carefully, but he didn’t have any reason to suspect she would start lying to him now.

“May I ask,” she said carefully, “why you want to know, Sire?”

Arthur wasn’t even sure he knew the answer to that himself. Gwen seemed to realise that from his silence. She stood and started clearing the table.

“Oh, I’ll do that,” Arthur said. Gwen stopped mid motion and stared at the plates in her hands.

“Where did you get these plates?” she asked.

“From… the cupboard?” Oh no, he was in trouble again.

“They have the royal seal,” Gwen pointed out. “They’re from the palace kitchens. I’ve washed enough of them to know. I take it that’s where our food also came from.”

Arthur had been caught, there was nothing to do but confess. “Look, I can kill a chicken from a thousand paces, I just don’t know how to cook it. That’s what servants are for.” The second the words slipped out, he wanted to hang himself. “I didn’t mean it like that!”

“I’m not ashamed to be a servant,” Gwen said. “At least I’m not a liar. I thought you’d shown some humility! You’d done something kind for me, even though I’m just a servant. A good king should respect his people, no matter who they are.” Gwen’s rage seemed to ebb slightly as she got a panicked look instead. “Wait, you didn’t have Merlin bring you this, did you?”

“Em,” Arthur said, embarrassed about a great many things she had just said, but the last one was the one that threw him. “I might have?”

“Dear gods.” Gwen rubbed the bridge of her nose. “You really are entirely clueless, aren’t you?”

“Guinevere,” Arthur said. “I know I have much to learn. There are somethings I am terrible at – cooking being one of them. But also, knowing how to apologise when I’ve hurt a friend, knowing what to say to someone I care about.”

“Oh, Arthur.” The look Gwen gave him seemed remarkably like pity. “I can forgive you being an oblivious snob about the dinner. But do you truly not realise what you’ve done to Merlin tonight?”

Her question was such a surprise – he hadn’t been any worse to Merlin tonight than he had been otherwise lately – but he didn’t have time to push it because at that very moment, the servant in question came barging into the room.

“Arthur,” Merlin said urgently. “There’s an assassin in Camelot. He’s here to kill you.”

*

“The assassin killed a guard,” Merlin explained. “Your father said Odin sent him.”

“Why would Odin want you dead?” Gwen asked.

“Because I killed his son.” Arthur’s voice came quietly from across the room where he stared into the air at nothing at all. “Odin’s son challenge me to a fight. I had no quarrel with him. I asked him to withdraw. Perhaps he felt he had to prove himself. I can still see his face… He looked so scared.”

Merlin hated seeing that faraway, tormented look on Arthur’s face. Taking a life was the thing Arthur hated most about being a Prince, Merlin knew that. In his mind’s eye, he allowed himself to picture a world where he could cross the room and put his arms around Arthur in comfort.

“You cannot blame yourself,” Gwen said kindly.

“No one but us knows where you are,” Merlin said. “If the assassin can’t find you, he can’t kill you.”

Arthur looked to Gwen. “May I continue to stay here?”

“Of course,” she replied. “For as long as you need.”

“Thank you,” he said. “I’ll sleep on the floor tonight.”

“No, have my bed,” Gwen insisted. “You’ll need to be well rested for the tournament tomorrow.”

“I’ll not hear of it,” Arthur said, and for a moment he sounded like that gallant version of Arthur, the one Merlin hadn’t really seen for a while. “Goodnight, Guinevere.”

Once Guinevere was out of earshot, Arthur leaned closer to Merlin and whispered, “Fetch the mattress from my quarters and bring it up here.”

Aaand there was the Arthur he was getting so used to.

*

“One more match,” Arthur said the next morning, preparing to leave Guinevere’s home. “The tournament will be over.”

“You can go back to being Prince Arthur,” Gwen said, smiling.

“Gwen,” Arthur asked before he could lose his nerve. “What did you mean, last night? About Merlin?” For a while, Arthur had worried Gwen might know about Merlin’s magic, but it hadn’t really sounded like that was what she meant.

Her gaze softened. “Oh, Arthur… There are some things that are not for me to tell.”

“You’re not exactly helping to clarify the situation,” Arthur grumbled. Gwen grinned, and stood on her toes to kiss Arthur sweetly on his cheek.

Arthur looked at her afterwards, holding her gaze, and he thought about how much Guinevere reminded him of Merlin, now that he thought about it. Both of them were brutally honest with him – though Gwen had the good sense to feel bad about it – and both of them always seemed to be there when he needed support.

“I must go,” Arthur said by way of farewell, and left the house.

*

“Gwen!” Merlin ran up to her. “Where’s Arthur?”

“He’s about to joust,” Gwen replied, her concern rising at the frantic look in Merlin’s eyes. Only a loved one in danger gave him that look.

“He’s jousting against the assassin,” Merlin said before he took off running. Gwen followed him to the edge of the course. Arthur and the assassin were tilting their lances and starting.

Gwen had no idea what they could do, looked around for someone with the authority to stop the joust mid-way and who would actually believe them.

“ _Unbinde þé téage._ ”

The strange words were nearly drowned out by the sound of the crowd, but Gwen heard them. She looked around just in time to see a glimmer of gold vanish from Merlin’s eyes. The girth on the assassin’s horse snapped and Arthur managed to unhorse him.

Gwen’s eyes went back to Merlin, sudden understanding causing everything to snap into place all at once.

Merlin had saved her father from the illness.

Merlin had helped free her when she was mistakenly accused.

Merlin had magic and every strange thing that had happened since he arrived in Camelot suddenly made more sense, and none of it felt even remotely evil.

Gwen looked away before Merlin could catch her staring.

Poor Merlin, Gwen thought. Her dear friend, dealing with this alone, in the heart of Camelot. Serving Uther’s son. The Prince he was in love with.

_Oh, Merlin…_ Gwen’s heart cried for her friend as she watched him help Arthur back into the tent. She schooled her face and followed them.

*

“You were jousting against the assassin,” Merlin said, lowering Arthur down in the tent, gently avoiding his wound. “He killed Sir Alynor and took his place.”

Arthur stared up at Merlin in wonder. The girth of that saddle hadn’t broken on its own, had it? Merlin had saved his life.

How many times had Merlin saved his life? And not once had he taken any credit. Even now, he stood there acting all the dutiful servant and not like a hero who had just saved the Crown Prince from near-certain death.

“The people are waiting for their champion,” Merlin added. “It’s time to reveal yourself.”

Arthur allowed himself to look at Merlin a moment longer. Merlin was the true champion, he thought, and he lived every day pretending he wasn’t. How could Arthur go out to cheers and admiration when all he’d done was win a joust?

He turned to William. “You must go and collect the trophy.”

William’s eyes lit up with excitement, and he rushed out of the tent.

“I thought this was going to be your moment of glory,” Gwen said. Arthur looked at her, and there was something changed in her expression, too. She glanced at Merlin and back to Arthur. Had she seen it, too? Did she know?

“Perhaps this is a time for humility,” Arthur replied. He glanced at Merlin, and could have sworn he saw a flicker of pride in his blue eyes. 

*

Arthur found Gwen later in a corridor. He checked that no one was looking or listening and cleared his throat.

“Guinevere… I wanted to thank you for everything you did for me.”

“It wasn’t much, really,” she said. “I’m happy to shout at you whenever you want.”

Arthur smiled. “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

Gwen’s eyes softened. “You know… Not going out there and accepting the glory. It reminded me a lot of Lancelot.”

Of course, Arthur thought. He should have seen that a long time ago. “I didn’t realise you still thought about him.”

“Every day,” Gwen said sadly, then gathered herself. “I’m proud of the choice you made. And… I think Merlin is, too.”

She gave him a significant look, and finally Arthur understood. He felt a flush go to his cheeks and once again looked around to make sure no one was listening.

“Guinevere –“

“Just tell me this,” she said quietly, “because he is one of my dearest friends and I have to know.”

Arthur knew what she was going to ask, but that didn’t make him any more prepared. He had been so focused on trying not to know about Merlin’s magic that he hadn’t realised how much he was trying not to know something else.

“Are his feelings wasted?” Gwen asked, voice barely above a whisper. “Are they… entirely misplaced?”

Arthur swallowed hard and had to look away from her honest eyes. He pictured the look of pride in Merlin’s eyes in the tent earlier. How miserable he had looked when he tried talking Arthur out of fighting the black knight. The ecstatic joy in his face when they had seen the unicorn alive again. He thought of the selfless ways Merlin had nearly sacrificed his life for Arthur’s.

“No,” Arthur whispered and met Gwen’s accepting, brown eyes. “They are not. But… I’m afraid my father would never understand, and–“

“It’s alright,” she said. “You don’t have to explain. Perhaps one day, things will be different. I just needed to know.” She paused. “He carries so much.”

Arthur might have said something else, if his father hadn’t called his name. He gave Gwen one last look of gratitude, and returned to his usual life.


	3. S2E3 - The Nightmare Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 3, series 2 of BBC Merlin - The Nightmare Begins.
> 
> Merlin tries his best to help a friend in crisis.

Merlin sat quietly while Gaius worked on a potion. He’d been quiet for a while. Now, though, he had reached his limit.

“I was helping clear up Morgana’s chambers earlier,” he said.

“Hmm?” Gaius hummed.

“The window was blown out into the courtyard below.”

“Hmm.”

“It’s odd, isn’t it?” Merlin continued. “If the lighting struck the window like Arthur said, you’d think the glass wouldn’t fallen inside the window.” Merlin paused, allowing Gaius to interject if he wanted to. Evidently, he didn’t. “It was magic,” Merlin said. “You know it was. More importantly, so does she.”

“Morgana knows nothing for certain,” Gaius finally said, forming an actual sentence.

“Which makes it even worse.” Merlin couldn’t disguise his anger. “She isn’t sure what’s happening to her and it’s tearing her apart.”

Gaius finally looked at him. “What would you have me do?”

“Talk to her,” Merlin said. “Tell her she’ll be ok. Tell her that her powers aren’t something to be afraid of.”

“I can’t.”

“Maybe I should speak to her,” Merlin offered.

“No, Merlin, you can’t,” Gaius said urgently.

“Why not? I understand what she’s going through.”

“You must never reveal your secret,” Gaius repeated as a hundred times before. “Not to anyone.”

“If not me, then someone else.”

“Who?” Gaius asked. “This is a kingdom where magic is outlawed, or have you forgotten that?”

“There are those who still practice it,” Merlin insisted. “What about the druids? You said that they help people like this.”

“Uther’s vowed to destroy them,” Gaius said. “The druids cannot help her. It would be suicide.”

“Then who can?” Merlin demanded.

“I will. Like I’ve always done.”

“Then you need to be honest with her!”

“What makes you so certain that you know better than me?” Gaius asked.

“Because I went through the same thing! I know exactly how she’s feeling right now.” And he wouldn’t wish that feeling upon his worst enemy.

“You cannot get involved in this,” Gaius repeated. “No good can come of it. I mean it, Merlin. Stay out of it.”

*

Merlin had almost decided to listen to Gaius, until Morgana came rushing into their chambers in nothing but her nightgown.

“Is Gaius here?” she asked, nearly hysterical.

“Er, no, he’s not here at the moment,” Merlin said. “He should be back soon.”

“I need to speak to him. Where is he?”

“He’s gone to see the King,” Merlin said pointedly. “What’s wrong?” As if he didn’t know. “You can trust me, Morgana. You know you can.”

Finally Morgana seemed to realise who it was she was speaking to. She swallowed hard and wrapped her arms around herself.

“I’m scared, Merlin. I don’t understand anything anymore. I need to know what’s happening. Please.”

“Morgana–”

“Gaius’s remedies won’t do any good. It’s magic, Merlin. You know it is.”

Merlin swallowed, holding her gaze, but found he wasn’t able to say anything. It seemed Morgana didn’t need him to. Just the look in her eyes told him she could already breathe easier.

“You believe me, I know you do. Please, Merlin, I just need to hear someone say it so I don’t have to keep feeling like I’m imagining it.”

Merlin tried to remember Gaius’s warnings, he really did, but he recognized that look and the desperation in Morgana’s voice all too well and he just couldn’t. He couldn’t let her keep going through this alone.

“I don’t think you’re imagining it, Morgana,” he said. “And I will try to find a way to help you. I swear I will.”

*

“You’re sure this is all of them?” Arthur asked Leon. They were both looking over a scroll of parchment in Arthur’s chambers. Merlin was cleaning Arthur’s chainmail and listening as intently as he could.

“Names and last known dwellings,” Leon confirmed. “I’ve included the details of everyone we suspect of consorting with sorcerers, witches or druids.”

Arthur and Leon talked about their plans, and once Leon left, Arthur finally seemed to notice Merlin was there.

“I thought I told you to do that yesterday,” he said, indicating the chainmail.

“I didn’t have time,” Merlin replied. “I was cleaning the stables.”

Merlin eyed the scroll of names, sneakily trying to get a peek at it without Arthur noticing.

“That’s strange,” Arthur said. “Because a little bird told me you were somewhere else.”

“Mucking out the stables is strange and a talking bird isn’t?”

“Merlin, what’ve we said about you trying to be funny?”

“I shouldn’t,” Merlin replied absently.

“So,” Arthur said, coming back into view after Merlin just managed to glimpse at the scroll. “Where are my flowers?”

Merlin looked up in surprise. “Your flowers?”

“I heard Morgana got some. I assumed you’d be putting them in all the rooms. Or is she the only one to receive a token of your affections?”

“Er… What?” Merlin said elegantly. “It’s not a token of anything, affection or otherwise.”

“I see,” Arthur said. “So why were you trying to hide them from me?”

Merlin stared. Was it his imagination or did Arthur sound… Jealous?

“I was just trying to cheer her up after the fire,” Merlin said. “You know, trying to be nice. You might want to try it sometime.”

Arthur glared at him. “Mhm,” he grunted. “Sword.”

Merlin handed him his sword, and fled the room the moment he was dismissed. He got what he needed from the scroll.

*

“Gaius asked me to deliver this,” Merlin said when Morgan opened the door. He held out the bottle and gave her a significant look. She nodded and stood aside, letting him in.

“What did you find out?” Morgana asked. “If you’re here to tell me you think I’m losing my mind –”

“No, Morgana,” Merlin said urgently. “I swear, I would never do that to you. It’s a horrible feeling, not knowing what is happening to you.”

Morgana smiled, though it didn’t vanish her anxiety. “You really do know how it feels, don’t you?” she said. “You’re taking quite the risk, trying to help me like this.”

“You’re the King’s ward,” Merlin said. “If any one understands the danger, it’s you. I’m choosing to believe that makes the risk worth it.”

Morgana nodded, reassured. “So? Did you learn anything?”

“The druids,” Merlin said. “They help people like you.”

“None of their kind would dare show their face in Camelot,” Morgana argued.

“No,” Merlin smiled. “But I know where you can find them.”

*

“Merlin,” Morgana said when she opened the door for him that night.

“My Lady.”

She let him in and closed the door behind them.

“I wanted to check you were ok,” he said.

“I’m fine. Everything that has happened…”

“You can trust me, Morgana,” Merlin assured her. “I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you, Merlin.” She smiled at him, the first genuine smile he had seen on her in a long time. “I know now who I really am. And it isn’t something to be scared of. Maybe one day, people will come to see magic as a force for good.”

Merlin returned her smile. “I hope for that too, more than anything.”

Morgana nodded. “I am sorry I had to leave the druids, but at least I know I am not alone here. We will protect each other, won’t we, Merlin?”

“Of course we will,” Merlin said. “You have my word.”

“Thank you, Merlin.” She led him to the door. “Sleep well.”

“You, too, my lady.”

*

“I’m sorry, Gaius,” Merlin said when he entered their chambers that night. Gaius only approached him and embraced him. Merlin hugged him back.

“I thought you’d be angry with me,” Merlin said.

“I was,” Gaius admitted. “Right up to the moment you walked in. Then I was just grateful that you’re back safe and sound.”

Merlin pulled back from his father figure. “Morgana knows the truth. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Gaius said. “You were only doing what you thought was right. I cannot blame you for wanting to spare someone from the pain you’ve grown up with.”

“We were both doing what we thought was right,” Merlin said. “So, what happens now?”

“You must take care of her,” Gaius said. “And hope that Uther never discovers the truth about her powers. Or yours.”


	4. S2E4 – Lancelot and Guinevere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 4, series 2 of BBC Merlin - Lancelot and Guinevere.
> 
> Arthur and Merlin go on a rescue mission to save their friend, and Feelings are Hard.

“How can you be so heartless?!” Morgana stormed into Arthur’s chambers, her voice echoing off the walls. “Gwen is the most kind, loyal person that you would ever meet and she has been more than a friend to all of us! And you would leave her at the mercy of those animals!”

“Morgana –” Arthur tried, but was interrupted.

“Have you no shame? Do you think of no one but yourself?

“Morgana…”

“I knew you were many things, Arthur Pendragon, but I didn’t know you were a gutless coward!”

“Morgana!” Arthur finally shouted in her face before lowering his voice again. “Perhaps if you would stop shouting at me for one second, you would notice that I am _packing._ ”

Morgana blinked. “You’re going after Gwen.”

“Of course I’m going after her,” Arthur said. “What do you take me for? I couldn’t disagree with Father in public.”

Gwen had become one of his most trusted friends. Arthur would never abandon her like Uther wanted them to.

“Arthur?” Morgana said, her voice no longer angry, but full of concern. “Bring her home.”

*

Until he appeared at the window of her prison cell, Gwen had nearly convinced herself that she had imagined Lancelot fighting that beast.

“Gwen.” His voice, it was exactly as she remembered. She hurried to the window where she could see him better. He was worse for wear, but it was him, so unmistakably him.

“Lancelot.” She breathed his name.

“I could not believe my eyes when I saw it was you,” he said.

“I thought my mind was deceiving me.”

“Why does Hengist think you are the Lady Morgana?” Lancelot asked.

“He believes he’s holding Morgana for ransom. When no ransom is paid, he will realise the truth and then he will throw me to those beasts.” Gwen wished she was brave enough to disguise her fear.

“I will not allow that to happen,” Lancelot said with all the force of an oath.

“Why are you here?” she asked. “Are you one of Hengist’s men?”

“No,” Lancelot said, and she hadn’t truly believed that, anyway.

“What became of you after you left Camelot?” She had wondered every day but never believed she would be granted the chance to ask him.

“There are few opportunities for men like me,” Lancelot told her. “So I’ve been earning a living the only way that I know; with a sword in my hand. It seems it is my destiny to entertain men like Hengist.”

Gwen grieved at the hopelessness in his voice. “I don’t believe that of you,” she said. “You were so full of hope.”

“I was wrong. The world is not like that.”

“I still see that hope in you,” Gwen said, wishing she could reach out and touch him. “I do not accept it is gone.”

A flicker of that old hope flashed through Lancelot’s eyes. “I have thought of you often,” he said. “Have you thought of me at all?”

Gwen swallowed and nodded. “I thought I would never see you again.” The sound of keys in a door drew her attention. “Someone’s coming."

“No matter what it takes,” Lancelot declared, “I will find a way to get you out of here. I will.”

Of that, Guinevere had no doubt.

*

Arthur watched Merlin splutter as he poured water over his face. “Merlin.”

“What’s happening?” Merlin sat up, confused. “How long was I asleep for?”

“Long enough,” Arthur replied.

“Did you get some rest?” Merlin asked.

“Couldn’t sleep,” Arthur said. The truth was, he had spent most of his time watching Merlin, thinking how he would still have been too stubborn to acknowledge certain things to himself if Gwen hadn’t forced his eyes open. He owed her so much just for that.

Merlin got to his feet. “I’ve never seen you like this. About anyone.”

“What are you talking about?” Arthur asked.

“Gwen,” Merlin said, his voice the kind he only used when he was trying to disguise his true feelings. “You really care about her, don’t you?”

Arthur nearly tripped over his own feet when he realised what Merlin was saying. Was it possible the man’s lack of sleep had interfered with his brain function? Or… was it possible Merlin genuinely believed that Arthur had romantic feelings for Gwen?

“What I care about is not wasting any more time talking,” Arthur said. “Let’s get moving.”

*

They stood near a tunnel entrance at the bottom of a mountain and studied their map.

“The ransom was supposed to be delivered to the Veil of Denaria,” Arthur said, pointing as he spoke. “If they’re holding Gwen anywhere, it has to be there. Which means, it’d save a day’s riding if we cut through the tunnels of Andor.”

“Oh no,” Merlin said. “I know that face. I’m not going to like this, am I? What’s in the tunnels?”

Arthur cleared his throat. “They’re… infested with Wilddoren.”

“What are Wilddoren?”

“They’re like giant –” Arthur noticed the widening of Merlin’s eyes and shrank the space between his hands “–baby rats.”

“Baby rats? They don’t sound so bad.”

“That feast on human flesh.”

“Maybe we should go over the mountains.”

Despite that tone of voice, Arthur knew he was as eager to get to Gwen as Arthur was. She was as good a friend to him as she was to Arthur. Merlin just needed a little push. Arthur walked over to the nearby bushes.

“Er, what are you doing?” Merlin asked.

“Wilddoren are completely blind,” Arthur explained. “They hunt by sense of smell. Gaia berries will put them off their scent. So, if we smear ourselves with them, perhaps we can pass through the tunnels.”

Arthur took a handful and started smearing, breathing through his mouth to try and avoid the disgusting scent. Merlin took came over and followed his lead.

“Oh! Oh, these stink.” The faces Merlin made would have made Arthur laugh in any other circumstances. And even in these, he couldn’t fight a chuckle. “Oh, they’re really bad.”

“Perhaps you’d prefer to be eaten alive?”

“Pass me some more, will you?”

Arthur removed another cluster of berries and rubbed them into Merlin’s face. If you couldn’t make your friend miserable right before you were likely to get eaten by giant rats, when could you?

*

“Gwen.”

Lancelot’s voice brought Gwen to the window instantly. “Lancelot.”

“I was terrified I might find your cell empty.”

“There’s been no word from Uther,” Gwen said. “I fear Hengist is growing suspicious.”

“You must keep up the pretence,” Lancelot insisted. “I will not allow you to die here.”

Gwen didn’t like the tone in his voice. “What about you?” she asked.

“I have little to live for.”

“Don’t say that,” Gwen said, faster than she had ever said anything.

“It’s the truth,” Lancelot replied. “For all my words, for all that I believed, I have come to nothing.”

It was impossibly heartbreaking to hear such things from a man like Lancelot. Gwen couldn’t bear it. Gwen wrapped her hand around one of the bars separating them.

“You are everything that is right with this world, Lancelot.”

His breath hitched and he looked at her the same way he had in Camelot – like she was a lady beyond his reach. “I did not know you felt that way.”

“I didn’t even know I could feel this way about someone,” Gwen confessed.

Lancelot’s smile made every pain she had experienced since her kidnapping feel worth it. “Then you have given me a reason to live,” he breathed. Tentatively, his hand wrapped around hers on the bar. “Be ready. I will come for you before nightfall.”

*

“Gaia berries worked,” Arthur marvelled as they washed themselves by the stream. “Huh.”

“You didn’t know if they worked?” Merlin asked.

Oh, right, he hadn’t really meant to say that. “Not for sure,” Arthur admitted.

“Now you tell me?!” Merlin stood and practically shouted. “Oh! Oh, what’s that Wilddoren eating? It’s alright. It’s just Merlin! You trying to get us both killed?”

Arthur couldn’t help it. Merlin looked too sweet when he panicked like that, like an angry kitten full of rage but nothing to do with it.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said, more sincere than he sounded. “I shouldn’t’ve risked your life like that.”

Merlin stared at him for a moment, then looked away. When he spoke, it was once again with that tone he used when he was trying to cover up how he really felt. Arthur wondered if Merlin even knew how transparent that tone was.

“Well,” Merlin said. “They do say love makes you do strange things.”

Arthur nearly doubled over. “What are you talking about?

“Why can’t you just admit your feelings for Gwen?” Merlin asked, but it didn’t sound like a friend trying to coax a confession from another. It sounded angry, despite the smile he tried to maintain.

Good gods, he truly did believe that, didn’t he? Just when Arthur didn’t believe it was possible for Merlin to be any stupider than he had already proved himself.

“It’s obvious,” Merlin continued. Arthur could truly hear it now. It was hurt, the thing he was trying to disguise. He was trying to sound like the mocking friend because it hurt him to think that Arthur had feelings for Guinevere. He was so clueless.

“A blind man could see it,” Merlin said, and this insistence was really starting to get on Arthur’s nerves, because how on earth could Merlin be so blind? “Is it really that hard to admit that you like her? Just say it!”

“I can’t!” Arthur shouted, surprising both himself and Merlin with the violence of his outburst. He couldn’t hear Merlin talk like this for a moment longer, not when the reality was even more impossible than the scenario Merlin had dreamed up in his mind.

“I can’t just admit that I have someone I think about all the time! Someone I care about more than anyone! Someone… who I don’t know what I’d do if any harm came to them.”

“Why can’t you?” Merlin asked, too silent after Arthur’s loud outburst.

“Because nothing can ever come of it!” The words left Arthur like and explosion, and hurt like one, too. “To admit my feelings, knowing that… hurts too much.”

Merlin watched him, silent, for so long that Arthur thought maybe he had said too much. Finally Merlin spoke in that same quiet voice.

“Who’s to say nothing can happen?”

“My father won’t let me rescue a servant; do you honestly believe he would accept my affection for one?”

“Perhaps,” Merlin said. “Once you are King, things can be different.”

“I can’t expect someone to wait for me.”

“If she feels as you do, she’ll wait,” Merlin said, reminding Arthur that Merlin still believed every word he had spoken was about Guinevere.

Arthur did _love_ Gwen, he did. The same way he loved Morgana. Gwen had become one of the most important people in his life, he couldn’t deny that. But she wasn’t the one he couldn’t stop thinking about. She wasn’t the one he cared about more than anyone.

No, that person was standing in front of him, believing him to be in love with someone else, not knowing that the only reason Arthur could bear to stand this far apart from him was out of fear for his safety.

Arthur loved Merlin. There was no use denying that anymore. But nothing, _nothing_ , would ever be more important than keeping Merlin safe and alive. Even if that meant nothing could ever come of their feelings.

“Come on,” he said, wanting more than anything for this conversation to end. “We’ve got a long trek ahead of us.”

Merlin followed Arthur in silence for a few steps, and then his mocking tone broke the short but heavenly silence.

“We could talk about your feelings while we walk.”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

*

The door to her cell opened and Lancelot came in, taking Gwen’s hand instantly. She wrapped her fingers around it and marvelled at the sparkling heat she felt, despite the urgency.

“We haven’t a moment to lose,” Lancelot instructed and led her away. She followed without question, but all too soon they could hear the sound of Hengist’s men giving chase. In one of the tunnels, Lancelot stopped. “Follow this tunnel. It will take you out beyond the castle. I will buy you as much time as I can!”

“I am not leaving you!” Gwen argued.

“You must.”

"I am not leaving you here to die, not when I’ve finally found you again.”

Lancelot smiled and put a hand gently to her cheek. She leaned into the touch. “I would die for you one-hundred times over,” he said. “Live for me, or everything that I am has been for nothing.”

Curse him and his pretty words and honourable intentions. How could she resist? “As long as I live,” she breathed, “my feelings for you will never fade.”

She didn’t care about propriety. They could both be dead at any moment. She pressed her lips against his, softly, carefully, and she knew in all her life she would never experience a sensation quite as wonderful as when he kissed her back.

“Run,” Lancelot said when he pulled away. “Don’t stop running until you are well away from here.”

Despite her promise, she hesitated.

“Run!” Lancelot said as the sound of pursuers grew louder. “Run!”

She ran.

*

She deserved to be torn to pieces by Wilddoren for failing, for making Lancelot’s sacrifice meaningless by being caught. “I am sorry,” she said, trying to wrap her fingers into his where they were tied behind their backs. “This is my fault.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Lancelot replied lovingly. “You reminded me of who I am. I will die with faith in my heart. That is worth more than anything.”

Hengist ordered the gate open and the beasts released, and then suddenly Arthur was there, pulling a hood off his face and cutting them loose. Lancelot had a sword in his hand and the two of them were fighting against the beast.

“What are you doing here, Lancelot?” Arthur asked between breaths.

“I came to save Gwen. What about you?”

“Likewise. Get behind us!”

Of course he had come, Gwen thought. Of course her stupidly stubborn and caring friend had come to save her. Hadn’t she said herself how much he could remind her of Lancelot?

Their attention all briefly jumped to a chandelier that crashed from the ceiling, missing Hengist by a breath. The kind of accident with too perfect timing. Gwen looked around the room for another familiar face, but Merlin came jumping into the cage before she had to search for long.

Arthur and Merlin, her most selfless and tragic of friends, both came for her.

“Take Guinevere!” Lancelot shouted as they all made their way towards the tunnels. “I’ll hold them off!”

“No!” Gwen exclaimed, but Arthur already had a hold of her arm and was leading her down the tunnel. Gwen noticed Arthur’s gaze on Merlin, still lingering beside Lancelot, and it was as torn as her own, but he continued down the tunnel, trusting Merlin to fend for himself.

Alright, she thought. If Arthur could do it, she could put that same faith in Lancelot. The two of them ran, but Gwen’s heart didn’t slow down until they reached the end of the tunnel where Arthur started breaking the chains holding a door closed, and she heard two sets of footsteps coming towards them.

They rounded the corner, and Gwen felt Arthur’s relief mirror her own.

“Good to see you both,” Lancelot said. “Where are your knights?”

“It’s just us,” Arthur confessed as he broke through the chains. “Got to keep moving.”

“Thank you, Arthur,” Lancelot said. “We owe you our lives.”

*

Things didn’t turn uncomfortable until the four of them were seated around a fire in the woods, a safe distance away from danger. They could all calm down now, which meant they could all catch up with their thoughts and emotions.

“I’m surprised you would undertake such a rescue mission with just the two of you,” Lancelot finally broke the silence.

“My father would not risk the lives of his knights for a servant,” Arthur said darkly.

“And yet you disobeyed him and came here anyway.”

Gwen’s eyes widened as she recognised what Lancelot seemed to suspect. Her eyes locked with Arthur, who seemed to have a similar reaction. He glanced towards Merlin and back to Lancelot.

“Gwen might be a servant to my father, but she is a friend to me, and to Morgana,” Arthur said. “I wasn’t about to leave her to die.”

They all sat in silence for a while longer. Both Merlin and Lancelot seemed to be lost in some unpleasant thoughts. 

“I’ll go gather some more firewood,” Arthur said suddenly, standing very quickly like he had been burning for an excuse to leave and finally thought of one.

“I’ll help you!” Gwen was on her feet just as fast, and they both stepped away into the trees, keeping a distance between them at first, which she assumed was just as intentional for Arthur as it was for Gwen. Once they were out of view of the campsite, they caught up with each other.

“What on earth is that about?” Gwen asked. “Why do both Lancelot and Merlin look like you all stumbled over my dead body instead of the opposite?”

“Well,” Arthur said pointedly. “ _Merlin_ has managed to convince himself that _I_ am in love with _you,_ and judging from the look on Lancelot’s face back there, he seems to have got a similar idea.”

Gwen stared at Arthur, who stared back, exasperation dripping from every word. Finally, they both broke down laughing. It was just too unfathomable. It was insane. How could they both have feelings for such self-destructive fools?

“It really would be easier,” Gwen said once she caught her breath, “if we were the ones in love with each other, wouldn’t it?”

“You may be right,” Arthur said, actually wiping his eyes. “If only we both had better taste.”

Gwen laughed again and put her hand on Arthur’s arm. “I understand why you would be tempted to allow Merlin to believe this fairy tale,” she said, “but please keep in mind that Merlin has managed to keep himself safe for this long.”

“Safe?” Arthur huffed. “He’s nearly given himself away more times than I can count.”

“Just think about it,” she urged.

“What about Lancelot?”

“He is still banished from Camelot,” Gwen said sadly. “But I will not let him doubt my feelings for one moment longer than he has to.”

“You must know,” Arthur said, “that once I am King, Lancelot will be welcomed back.”

Gwen grinned. “I never doubted. Until then, it will be hard, but I will have hope.” Her smile softened. “I wish that is something you would allow yourself, as well.”

*

“He has feelings for her, doesn’t he?” Lancelot asked, staring towards the trees where Gwen had disappeared.

“I suspect he does,” Merlin replied, because he could not lie to Lancelot. “And until today, I thought she might return them.”

Lancelot turned to him. “Until today?”

Merlin smiled. “Until I saw the way she looked at you. I’ve certainly never seen her look at Arthur like that, no matter how much she cares for him.”

“But have you seen him look at her?” Lancelot asked. “I would never want to come between them.”

Lancelot’s question caught Merlin off guard. He had been basing his suspicions of Arthur’s feelings on his _actions_ , but thinking back… Had he seen Arthur watching Gwen with that longing Merlin could see in Lancelot’s eyes? Or the wonder he saw in Gwen’s?

Not when he was looking at Gwen, Merlin thought. But he felt like he had seen some of those expressions in Arthur’s eyes, all the same. So surely he must be mistaken.

“You look like I just gave you something to think about,” Lancelot said. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah…” Merlin trailed off. “The answer to your question is no.”

It was really all Merlin could say, because his mind was too busy thinking, and besides, Gwen and Arthur returned to the clearing with more wood for the fire.

Gwen pulled Lancelot aside quickly, and Merlin suspected she was dissuading any last doubts Lancelot might have about her feelings. They would have to say goodbye soon, so Merlin allowed them their privacy.

It wasn’t hard, considering he couldn’t stop staring at his prince.

*

“Look on the bright side,” Merlin said to Arthur as they watched Gwen’s happy reunion with Morgana on the palace steps. “You’ve still got me.”

Arthur felt like he could breathe easier than he had in days when Merlin spoke in that casual, teasing voice, like everything was as normal as ever.

“Is that supposed to cheer me up?” Arthur huffed.

“Thought it might,” Merlin replied merrily.

“You really are a complete idiot, aren’t you, Merlin?”


	5. S2E5/6 - Beauty and the Beast: Part One & Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episodes 5 and 6, series 2 of BBC Merlin -Beauty and the Beast: Part One & Two.
> 
> There's a troll. Uther is an idiot. Arthur has feelings. So does Merlin.

Out of all the adventures Merlin had experienced since he arrived in Camelot, this had to be the most absurdly ridiculous.

“It’s no good, Merlin,” Gaius said. “I can tell him she’s a troll until I’m blue in the face, he simply won’t listen. He sees a charming, beautiful woman.”

“Shaped like a tree trunk,” Merlin muttered

“We only know that because you saw her in her troll form,” Gaius pointed out.

“So what do we do?”

“We must open Uther’s eyes; show her what she really is.”

“Using Magic?” Merlin asked.

“It’s the only way to reveal her true form,” Gaius said seriously.

“But she never leaves his side.”

Gaius looked grave. “I know.”

Merlin blinked. “You want me to use magic _in front of the King_?”

“Yes, Merlin,” he said. “I do.”

Fear ran down his back like cold water. “I—I’d never get away with it.”

“I’m sorry, Merlin,” Gaius said. “I know how dangerous this is, but we cannot allow it to gain any further control over the King. Who knows what the consequences might be?”

“Just one problem,” Merlin said, though he could, in fact, think of many. “I know nothing about troll magic.”

“Then we have work to do.”

*

“I’m sorry, I tried,” Merlin said when they returned to their chambers. “I have it everything I had.”

“It’s not your fault, Merlin,” Gaius assured him. “You did your best.”

“The spell of revelation is powerful magic. And she could feel it, I could see she could feel it.”

“Her magic must be strong, indeed, to be able to resist you,” Gaius said, and Merlin tried not to blush from the implied compliment. “Where are you going?”

Merlin was already halfway out the door. “To see Arthur! He’s our only hope!”

Gaius called his name after him, but Merlin already knew this argument by heart, and decided he would skip it this time. They didn’t have time.

*

Merlin looked uncharacteristically nervous when he entered Arthur’s chambers.

“Yes?” Arthur asked.

“Arthur,” Merlin began. “I’m going to tell you something. It’s not going to be easy.”

Arthur’s heart caught in his throat. _Now_? Why? Was he out of his mind? “Right…” he said uneasily.

“It concerns the Lady Catrina.”

Arthur’s heart returned to its proper location. “You’re not using my chambers to spy on her again.” Or whatever it was he had been doing. Honestly, Arthur didn’t want to know.

“Oh no, trust me, I saw everything I needed to see.”

That was _not_ something Arthur needed to hear about. “I’m sure you did.”

“Arthur,” Merlin said, voice entirely serious. “She’s a troll.”

Arthur burst out laughing. “She’s not _that_ bad.”

“I’m serious,” Merlin said. “She is. She’s an actual troll.”

_Wait, what_? This was one of those times when it was hard to tell if Merlin was serious, no matter what Arthur knew about his magic. “Merlin, I know what you’re trying to do, and I appreciate it. You’re a true friend. But it’s not about whether I like her or not, it’s about what makes my father happy. And when they announced the wedding today, I realised that Lady Catrina does just that. She makes him happy.”

“Well, he won’t be so damn happy when he discovers his wife’s a fruit munching monster.”

_Crap_ , Arthur thought. Merlin might actually be serious. Or, if not, beyond insolent, even for him. “That’s enough, Merlin.”

“But–“

“She’s the future queen of Camelot whether you like it or not,” Arthur said, hoping that, for once, Merlin was wrong. “So you better get used to it.”

*

Merlin burst through the doors just as he heard Geoffrey pronounce them husband and wife. The court erupted into applause and Uther and Catrina kissed.

Catrina’s eyes wandered towards the door and spotted Merlin. She scowled.

He was too late. There was a troll on the throne of Camelot. The situation had just gone from absurdly ridiculous to absurdly catastrophic.

*

Arthur counted his blessings when he found Merlin in his chambers, going about his duties. “You need to get out of here,” he said. “The King’s ordered me to arrest you.”

“What?”

“Caterina’s accused you of taking her seal.”

“But I didn’t,” Merlin said, and Arthur wanted to smack him for thinking he needed to tell him that.

“I don’t want to know and you haven’t got time to explain. If you value your life,” _as much as I do_ , “you’ll leave Camelot right now.”

“Arthur, she is a troll,” Merlin said. “She’s trying to set me up.”

Of course he couldn’t have just been wrong or joking. “We’ve been through this.”

“I’m telling the truth,” Merlin urged. “I saw her.

There was a knock on his door – the guards.

“I don’t care,” Arthur said. “You need to leave, Merlin”

Arthur could see all too clearly an image in his head of the guards dragging Merlin from the room, of Merlin slipping and using magic to defend himself, of a pyre in the square –

“Sire!” shouted the guards from the door.

“Go.” Arthur shoved Merlin towards the other door, wondering if his eyes conveyed half the fear he felt, or his regret at sending Merlin away, even if it was for his own safety. Merlin looked at him as if he was actually considering staying. “Go!”

_Finally,_ Merlin ran, not a moment too soon as the guards came barging into the room.

*

Arthur was relieved that it was Gwen who came through his door. He didn’t think he could stomach talking to someone else.

“I saw what you did earlier,” she said. “The people owe you a debt of gratitude.”

“The people owe me nothing,” Arthur argued. “My father’s still going to impose the tax.”

“Will he not be persuaded?”

“Not by me,” Arthur said. “He can’t stand the sight of me.”

“That’s not true.” Gwen’s voice was gentle as usual. “The King loves you.”

Not at the moment, he didn’t. “You should’ve heard the way he spoke to me.”

“I’m sure he was angry, but you’re still his son,” Gwen insisted. “Everyone appreciates what you did. They know you tried, and they won’t forget that.”

How Gwen was always able to see the light in any situation, Arthur had no idea – but he couldn’t say he didn’t appreciate it.

“Maybe he’s right,” Arthur said, aware he was letting Catarina get to him, just like she wanted, especially if Merlin had been right. “One day I will be the King of Camelot, and I cannot be a friend to the people as well as their ruler.”

“That’s not true, and I think you know that. You will prove it when you become king.” Gwen gave him that look she got when he was being stubborn and stupid but she still remembered they were friends. “You’ve a kind heart, Arthur. Don’t ever change. Not for anyone.”

*

Arthur thought he was hallucinating when he heard the whispered voice call his name, but it was real enough that he bolted from the bed with his sword already in hand.

“Who’s there?”

He nearly jumped out of his skin when Merlin popped his head out from under the bed. “Merlin!” he announced, as if Arthur had forgotten what he looked like.

“You’re back.” Arthur didn’t like how relieved he was to see him again.

“I never left,” Merlin said.

“You mean to say… You’ve been under there this whole time?”

“No!” Merlin exclaimed. “Of course not! No.”

“Cause if you were–“ Arthur started.

“I wasn’t, I swear!” Merlin looked a little sheepish. “So your, er, your stepmother is a troll, then.”

“If you say I told you so,” Arthur warned.

“I wasn’t going to!” Merlin held his hands up in surrender. “I wouldn’t. But it is true that if you had listened to me earlier, then–” One look from Arthur shut him up. “Sorry. Gaius and I believe your father’s been enchanted. We’ve found a way to break the spell, but we need your help.”

Why was none of that even remotely surprising coming out of Merlin’s mouth?

*

“So your great plan is to kill me?”

Merlin couldn’t exactly blame Arthur for being sceptical. “No. Well, yes. It… Not exactly. Gaius has made a potion that gives the appearance of death without the actual dying bit. It’s fine. There’s nothing to worry about. It’ll only bring you to the brink of death.”

“Oh, only to the _brink_.” Arthur evidentially wasn’t entirely convinced.

“We haven’t got a choice,” Merlin said. It wasn’t as though he was excited about this idea, either. But they were desperate.

“We have to make your father cry,” Gaius said.

“He doesn’t care about me anymore,” Arthur said, and it broke Merlin’s heart that he might actually believe that.

“Nonsense,” Gaius chastised him. “That’s Caterina’s influence. I’ve known your father for many, many years. There’s never been anyone or anything he’s treasured more than you.”

_It’s his only redeeming quality_ , Merlin thought to himself.

“It’s perfectly safe,” Gaius continued. “A single drop of the antidote will reverse the effects immediately.”

Arthur’s attention perked up, his wide eyes throwing daggers at Merlin. “Antidote. What antidote? You didn’t say anything about an antidote!”

“Er, I didn’t think it was important,” Merlin shrugged, trying to disguise his own concerns.

“The potion will lower your heart rate and breathing,” Gaius explained. “For all intents and purposes, you will be dead.”

“And the antidote reverses the effects?” Arthur asked.

“Yes. If it’s administered in time.”

Arthur’s voice rose one pitch higher than usual. “if it isn’t?”

“You will be dead,” Gaius declared.

Arthur glared at Merlin again. “You just said it wasn’t important!”

Merlin decided the safest course was to try and avoid eye contact. “Erm, yeah, I suppose it is a bit important.”

“Merlin will have the antidote,” Gaius assured the prince. “Once I have administered the poison–er, potion, he’ll have half an hour to get it to you.”

Arthur’s blue eyes bore into him. “Don’t be late.”

“Am I ever?” Merlin said jokingly, and regretted it instantly.

Back in Arthur’s chambers, Gaius held out the bottle. “Are you sure you want to go through with this, Sire?”

Arthur looked at the bottle in his hand. “It’s the only way to save Camelot.”

Arthur glanced at Merlin and raised the bottle slightly as if in salute, and drank.

_It’s only temporary,_ Merlin told himself when Arthur’s body slumped over, convincingly lifeless. _Only temporary._

“Time to break the bad news to Uther,” Gaius said.

*

For one eternal moment after Merlin squeezed a drop into Arthur’s mouth, he feared that perhaps he had been too late. Then Arthur’s perfect eyes snapped open and he registered the situation instantly, jumping in to attack the troll.

“Is that any way to treat your dear old stepmother?” the troll teased in her undisguised voice. The fight broke loose, the troll against Arthur, then fighting Uther and the Guards while Jonas went for Arthur. Arthur ran the foul little thing through with his sword.

The troll was going straight for Arthur, and Merlin couldn’t stop himself from whispering a spell under his breath that pulled at the rug under the troll’s feet. She landed on her back and Arthur’s sword pierced her instantly.

*

Arthur found Merlin walking down a corridor and caught up with him.

“Merlin,” he said, swallowing. “I want you to know that I never doubted you.” At Merlin’s raised eyebrow, he amended that. “Alright, maybe I did, but it’s your own fault. You’ve got a suspicious look about you. Shifty. Like you’ve got something to hide.”

Arthur did mean to be teasing, but his felt a pain shoot through him even so. Merlin was hiding so many things from him. While Arthur didn’t officially want to know, it still hurt to know that Merlin didn’t want him to know certain things, either.

“I’m an open book,” Merlin said like he meant it.

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Arthur said. “However, I do know that without your help, I’d still have a troll for a stepmother.” He paused for a moment, realising this might be the first time Arthur properly got to thank Merlin for his help. He wished he could do it properly, with as much gratitude as he possibly could, but he knew he still had to maintain his distance. That meant only letting the pratty parts of himself show.

“Well, thanks,” he said, holding his hand out. Merlin made a movement towards him that had Arthur jumping back. “Whoa, what are you doing?”

“I thought you were going for a hug,” Merlin said casually, like it was a small thing, like it was a silly misunderstanding and not something Arthur wished was true with all his heart, like he wouldn’t have given anything to take Merlin in his arms and hold him tightly until Merlin understood just how important he was.

“No,” was all he said.

“No,” Merlin repeated, again sounding much too casual.

Arthur cleared his throat and walked away, searching for any distraction that could drown out the painful thundering of his heart.


	6. S2E7 - The Witchfinder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 7, series 2 of BBC Merlin - The Witchfinder.
> 
> The Witchfinder is searching for sorcerers in Camelot, and Arthur is extremely concerned.

“How could he be so stupid?” Arthur shouted as he paced back and forth in his chambers. “I knew he was an idiot but I didn’t realise he was _suicidal_!”

Gwen sat patiently at the table, watching and listening until Arthur quieted. He couldn’t fathom how she could look so bloody serene at a time like this. She remained quiet until Arthur managed to stop pacing and sat down on the chair across from her.

“If you’ve quite finished,” Gwen said calmly. “Are you ready for some perspective?”

Arthur didn’t say anything, but grunted in acknowledgement.

“I know you’re worried,” Gwen continued. “But we have no idea how hard this is for Merlin. We are his closest friends, and he cannot tell us this important thing about himself because he fears for his life. Can you really blame him for slipping up sometimes? For wishing he could treat his magic like something normal?”

Arthur glared at her. “I hate it when you use your wisdom against me,” he grumbled.

“I know, but it’s also why you keep me around,” she reminded him. “Someone has to do the thinking for you when you forget your manners and your mind.”

“Well, right now it doesn’t matter if I’m being unreasonable or not,” Arthur said. “No matter how understandable his actions, Merlin was noticed, and now the Witchfinder is coming. And I have to balance supporting my father and protecting Merlin at the same time.”

This could all end in disaster.

*

Arthur listened as Aredian presented his so-called witnesses to the King. He tried to stop his eyes from flickering to Merlin too often, but they did anyway, and Merlin was looking as confused as he’d ever seen him. Arthur noticed him shake his head to Gaius a few times when the physician threw him a look.

Merlin wasn’t responsible for anything these women described, so who was?

“I can scarcely believe it,” Uther said once Aredian had finished his presentation.

“Yet it is the truth, My lord,” Aredian said. “Fortunately, I’ve utilized every facet of my craft to bring this matter to a swift resolution.”

“The sorcerer?” Uther asked eagerly. “You have a suspect?”

“Oh, I do, My Lord,” Aredian said. “I regret to say, they are standing in this very room.” Arthur’s blood ran cold. “My methods are infallible, my findings, incontestable! The facts point to one person and one person alone.”

Aredian paused, and Arthur wasn’t breathing. He wasn’t even certain his heart was beating, he was so frozen in fear and trying desperately to keep his expression neutral.

“The boy,” Aredian said. “Merlin!”

_No, no, this is not happening._ “Merlin?” Arthur exclaimed, putting as much insulting scepticism into his voice as possible. “You can’t be serious.”

“This is outrageous!” Gaius exclaimed. “You have no evidence!”

“The tools of magic cannot be hidden from me,” Aredian said, and Arthur loathed the smugness in the man’s voice. “I am certain that a thorough search of the boy’s chamber will deliver us all we need.”

“Merlin?” Uther said, and it was Arthur’s worst fear to hear his father speak Merlin’s name in a conversation about sorcery. It took everything in his power to maintain the image of calm.

“I have nothing to hide,” Merlin said, trying to sound calm but Arthur could see he was afraid. That fear in his eyes was everything Arthur had wanted to protect him from.

“Very well,” Uther said. “Guards, restrain the boy. Let the search begin.”

When the guards took Merlin to escort him to a cell, Arthur bit his tongue so hard it bled, but he barely noticed. He rushed after the other guards – he was going to be there during that search come hell or high water.

They were already tearing Gaius’s life to pieces under Aredian’s commands and Gaius’s objections.

“There’s nothing here, Aredian!” Arthur shouted over the fray.

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Aredian argued, and Arthur got the distinct feeling that Aredian enjoyed this part of his job much more than he should.

When they found the bracelet, Arthur couldn’t breathe. When Gaius took the blame and said it was his, Arthur was horrified to find he was glad.

*

Arthur opened the door to his cell, and he did not look pleased to be there.

“You’re free to go,” he said. His tone confused Merlin. Had Arthur been _hoping_ for Merlin to be proven guilty? No, Merlin couldn’t bring himself to believe that.

The reason for Arthur’s expression became all to clear when Merlin was escorted out of the prison as Gaius was escorted in.

“Gaius?” Merlin asked, panicked. “What’s going on?”

“Say nothing, Merlin,” was all Gaius said as he passed. “Do nothing. Promise me!”

Merlin returned to their chambers torn to pieces, and sank to his knees among the wreckage. Gaius had confessed to protect him. This was all his fault.

No, Merlin realised. It wasn’t just his fault. It was also Aredian.

Aredian was the kind of person whose very existence meant that people like Merlin had to live in shame like they did. Hatred, so fierce that it nearly scared him, flared up in Merlin’s throat. Aredian wasn’t going to get away with this.

*

Aredian threw Gaius to his knees before the court and ordered him to confess. And confess he did. To the shapes in the smoke, and to every insanity the townswomen had claimed to witness.

Uther accused Gaius of betraying him, though Arthur knew he was one of the few true friends his father had left. It was too painful to watch, but he forced himself to nonetheless. He stood there and listened to his father sentence Gaius to death.

All of that was impossible to bear witness to, but not as impossible as Merlin’s face when he charged towards Aredian.

“You’re a liar!” he screamed as Gaius was dragged from the room, and Arthur could see that Merlin had abandoned any sense of self-preservation he might have had, had surrendered himself entirely to grief and hatred.

Arthur was moving towards him even before his father could call for the guards. He wrapped his arms around Merlin and pulled his thrashing form towards the door.

“You’re a liar!” Merlin shouted again as he fought against Arthur’s hold. Guards approached them.

“I’ll deal with this,” Arthur ordered, intent on not seeing a guard manhandling Merlin again for as long as he could avoid it.

Through the entire palace, Merlin kept struggling, and Arthur wasn’t even certain he knew it was Arthur who had a hold of him, so desperate was he to get back to Aredian and do gods knew what to him.

Arthur didn’t release Merlin until they had entered the dungeons, and Merlin instantly took a swing at him, which Arthur stopped so easily it was almost embarrassing. He twisted Merlin’s arm behind his back as painlessly as he could and whispered Merlin’s name softly before he spoke up.

“I know you’re upset,” he said. “I know you’re angry. It’s alright, I’m not throwing you in jail.”

Merlin finally seemed to realise Arthur was Arthur, because the struggling lessened at least a little. “Then what are you doing?” he asked.

Arthur sighed. It felt like so little, but what more could he do without risking Merlin’s life? He released his hold.

“I’m breaking the law.” Arthur opened Gaius’s cell. “I can only give you a few minutes.”

Merlin rushed through the door and threw his arms around Gaius. Arthur went as far away as he could, but he needed to be able to keep an eye out and couldn’t avoid staying within earshot.

“They wouldn’t let me see you, there was nothing I could do,” Merlin said, tears barely contained in his voice.

“I know,” Gaius said gently. “I understand.”

“I can’t believe it. I can’t believe Uther would do this to you.”

“He had no choice,” Gaius said, and Arthur marvelled at the man’s capacity for understanding. “Once Aredian had found the amulet…”

“I didn’t even know you had such a thing.” Merlin lowered his voice a little, but Arthur still heard him. It really was a miracle that he was still alive.

Gaius was silent for a moment. “It isn’t mine.”

“Why did you say it was?” Merlin exclaimed.

“I was trying to protect you.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Merlin said, his tear stricken voice replaced by one of puzzlement.

“It’s alright, Merlin. You don’t have to say anything.”

“Yeah, I do,” Merlin replied. “The amulet isn’t mine, either.”

Another pause. “Then how did it get there?”

_Aredian,_ Arthur thought, a heartbeat before Merlin said as much out loud.

“Aredian?” Gaius said.

“There’s no other explanation.”

Merlin was right. Gods, Aredian had the entire court wrapped around his ideas and he was faking his evidence.

“It doesn’t matter why,” he heard Merlin say. “All that matters is, if I can prove he planted it, you’re saved.”

“No,” Gaius said in the voice he used to chastise Arthur as a boy when he refused to take his medicine. “You must let this go.”

“No!” Merlin argued. “You’re falsely accused; I have a chance to prove that. I must take that chance.”

“No, Merlin,” Gaius repeated sadly. “You must not.”

“I don’t understand. Do you want to die?”

“No,” Gaius said. “But neither do I want you to die. And die you surely will if you get too close to Aredian. He will trap you, Merlin. He will manipulate you, and without ever meaning to, you will incriminate yourself. You must let this go.”

“I must let you go?” Merlin asked, and now the tears were back in his throat.

“To do otherwise would be an act of suicide,” Gaius said.

Arthur agreed with Gaius on that last part, but he also knew something else. Merlin was most certainly not going to let this go, and Aredian would not get away with it.

*

Arthur was right, like he knew he would be. Merlin and Gwen saved the day, saved Gaius, saved Merlin by extension. Yet it didn’t help Arthur fall asleep more easily that night, even knowing the Witchfinder was dead.

He lay awake and stared at the canopy above his bed, reliving the fear of the past few days again and again.

This time, Merlin had come too close. Just a few wrong turns, if Gaius had been just a little less convincing, and Merlin could be dead right now. This was the second time the idea of Merlin being a sorcerer had been presented in front of the King.

His father was blind to many things, but he was not stupid. He was bound to put things together eventually, just as Arthur had. While Arthur had his own problems accepting Merlin’s magic and the knowledge that his friend was lying to him, there was one thing Arthur knew beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Merlin was not evil. And if Merlin had magic, then magic could not be purely evil, either. But Uther would never be convinced of that, Arthur had known that even before he saw him condemn his oldest friend.

Arthur had to do better at protecting Merlin, and the only way he could think to do that was to increase the distance between them. He had been trying already but he needed to do better. He never wanted to come this close to losing Merlin ever again.

Whatever happened, Arthur needed to look for any opportunity to push Merlin away.


	7. S2E8 - The Sins of the Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 8, series 2 of BBC Merlin - The Sins of the Father.
> 
> Arthur learns a life-altering truth, and realises how much Merlin cares about him.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's angst in this one, y'all. There's angst.

Merlin stared at Arthur over the fire. After everything that had happened since Morgause’s challenge, this felt like the first quiet moment in days.

“What was your mother like?” Merlin asked, sounding timid to his own ears.

“I never knew her,” Arthur said. “She died before I opened my eyes.”

“I’m sorry,” Merlin replied and meant it.

“I barely know anything about her.”

“Can’t you ask your father?”

Arthur hesitated a moment. “He refuses to talk about her. It must be too painful for him. Sometimes it’s as if she never even existed. I still have a sense of her. Almost as though she’s a part of me.”

Merlin knew it was hard for Arthur to share like that, so he decided to give back. “That’s the same with my father,” he said. “I never knew him. And my mother’s barely spoken of him. I’ve got this… vague memory. It’s probably just my imagination.”

“I’d give anything for even the vaguest memory,” Arthur said quietly.

“Is that why you’re so determined to find Morgause?” Merlin asked. “To see what she knows about your mother.”

Arthur looked down. “Is that so wrong?”

“No,” Merlin said without hesitation. It made Arthur look back up and meet his eyes for a long moment that burned through Merlin like fire. Finally, Arthur looked away.

“I should get some rest.”

Indeed, Merlin quietly agreed. Who knew what tomorrow would bring.

*

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Merlin asked as they waited for Morgause to prepare her spell. He sounded concerned.

“If you were granted the same opportunity, would you not what to meet your father?” Arthur asked, and could see in Merlin’s eyes that the answer was yes.

“Uther won’t forgive you if he finds out you’ve collaborated with a sorcerer.”

_Oh, Merlin_ , Arthur thought. Surely it must hurt him to say things like that. Arthur wondered, for a moment, what it would take for Merlin to finally confess his secret to Arthur. Would he ever? Was it encouragement he needed, assurance that he wouldn’t be killed?

“What if,” Arthur said before he could stop himself, “my father’s attitude to magic is wrong?”

He regretted it instantly, when he saw the brief flash of hope light Merlin’s eyes before he schooled his expression into the one he always had to wear.

“You really think that?” he asked.

This was cruel, Arthur thought, making him talk about this. He just… wanted Merlin to feel safer. “Perhaps it’s not as simple as he would have us believe,” Arthur said. “Morgause is a sorcerer, she has caused us no harm.” He hesitated. “Surely not everyone who practices magic can be evil.”

 _You’re not_.

“We don’t actually know why she’s doing this,” Merlin countered.

Arthur shouldn’t force him to keep talking about this, he thought, but was saved from changing the subject when Morgause approached them. 

“It’s time.”

*

Arthur dismounted his horse and was walking up the steps with his sword drawn before Merlin’s feet had even hit the ground.

“What are you going to do?” Merlin shouted after him, but he was ignored, just like he had been the entire ride home.

Gaius came up to Merlin, distracting him. “Merlin. I’m relieved to see you’re safe. Where’s Arthur?”

Merlin didn’t feel much up to answering questions. He wanted answers for himself. “Arthur was born of magic, wasn’t he?” he asked, and watched it confirmed on Gaius’s face. “Uther used magic!”

“Merlin…”

“All those people he’s executed,” Merlin said, “he’s as guilty as they are. He sacrificed Arthur’s mother! He as good as murdered her! People should know the truth about what he’s done. How could you not tell me?”

“I feared what Arthur would do if he ever found out,” Gaius replied, as if that was possibly an acceptable reason.”

“Oh, he’s found out.”

Merlin left Gaius behind and ran after Arthur into the palace.

*

Arthur had finally managed to disarm Uther when Merlin came bursting through the doors of the throne room.

“Arthur!” he shouted. “Don’t! I know you don’t want to do this!”

“My mother is dead because of him!” Arthur yelled, his blood boiling.

“Killing your father won’t bring her back,” Merlin said. “You’ve lost one parent, do you really want to lose another?”

Was Merlin really defending him? Merlin, of all people, defending _Uther_? The man who was responsible for Merlin living in fear?

“Listen to him, Arthur,” Uther said, which was enough for Arthur to apply a little more pressure to his blade.

“Arthur, _please_ , put the sword down,” Merlin pleaded.

“You heard what my mother said!” Arthur shouted. “After everything he has done, do you believe be deserves to live?! He executes those who use magic, and yet he has used it himself!” Arthur looked into his father’s eyes and barely recognized him anymore. “You have caused so much suffering and pain. I will put an end to that!”

And he would have, in that moment, if Merlin hadn’t said the one thing that was startling enough to give him pause. He lied.

“Morgause is lying!” Merlin said as if his life depended on it. “She’s an enchantress. She tricked you. That was not your mother you saw. That was an illusion.”

Why was he doing this? Arthur wanted to look Merlin in the eyes, but he couldn’t turn away from his father cowering beneath his sword. Why would Merlin lie about this, when the key to his freedom was the tip pointing towards Uther’s skin?

“Everything… everything your mother said to you,” Merlin said, and Arthur could hear it, could hear how he struggled to get the words out, but he did it anyway. “Those were Morgause’s words.”

“You don’t know that!” Arthur shouted, except Merlin _did_ know that, knew his words weren’t true. Merlin had seen what Arthur saw, had felt that his mother’s presence was real. Why would he be trying to protect Uther with lies?

_It’s not Uther he is trying to protect_ , said a voice deep inside him. _It’s_ you _that he is trying to protect. Always you._

By the gods. That’s what was happening. Merlin – good, idiotic, loving Merlin – was willing to sacrifice his own safety and happiness, because he didn’t want Arthur to have to live with Uther’s blood on his hands.

“This has been her plan all along!” Merlin continued, and Arthur was certain that if he turned to look, he would find tears in Merlin’s eyes. “To turn you against your father. And if you kill him, the kingdom will be destroyed. That is what she wants!”

Arthur hadn’t truly been able to convince himself, until this moment, that Merlin loved him. Now it seemed incredible that he had ever doubted it.

“Listen to him,” Uther said. “He’s speaking the truth.”

_No_ , Arthur thought, _he isn’t_. But Merlin didn’t want Arthur to kill Uther. He was willing to speak words that hurt him in order to keep this from happening.

Oh, Merlin.

“Swear to me it isn’t true,” Arthur said to his father. “You are not responsible for my mother’s death! Give me your word!”

_I will pretend for you, Merlin._

“I swear on my life, I loved your mother,” Uther said. “There isn’t a day passes that I don’t wish that she were still alive. I could never have done anything to hurt her.”

Only his last sentence was a lie, and Arthur knew it. Merlin knew it, but wanted Arthur to believe it anyway.

Arthur let his sword clatter to the ground and fell to his knees.

He forced words of apology from his lips. He allowed Uther to embrace him. He even embraced him back.

Perhaps Merlin was right, and Arthur wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he had taken his father’s life. But he wasn’t quite certain how he would live with this, either.

*

Arthur knew it was wrong of him to be angry with Merlin, especially now, but he found he couldn’t help himself. The knowledge of his own father’s lie made Merlin’s choice to keep secrets from him sting even more than it used to.

Could he really trust no one? What was it about him that made everyone chose to keep the truth from him? Was he not worthy of trust?

Even as he thought it, even as he wanted to hate Merlin, he knew he was being unreasonable. Merlin was _not_ Uther. Merlin’s reasons for keeping secrets were so different. He was protecting his own life, not his pride. He wanted to protect Arthur.

It was entirely different, he told himself, over and over. By the time Merlin entered his chambers that night, he had convinced himself as much, but he had also convinced himself of something else.

He had been looking for an opportunity, and now that one was here, he had to take it, no matter how much it hurt.

“I am indebted to you, Merlin,” he said before Merlin had a chance to speak. “I had become… confused. It is once again clear to me that those who practice magic are evil and dangerous. And that is thanks to you.”

He couldn’t bring himself to look at him, or even turn around. He couldn’t make himself see the look that surely was on Merlin’s face. There was nothing but silence behind him for a moment that seemed to draw on forever.

“… Glad I could help,” Merlin said, finally, and Arthur’s heart shattered.

*

Merlin wiped away the tears on his cheeks the moment he entered Gaius’s chambers and found the King standing there, waiting.

“My Lord,” Merlin said, forcing himself not to freeze in fear.

“I wanted to thank you in person for your actions today,” Uther said. “You are a loyal servant to Arthur. I am most grateful.”

Merlin thought he might be sick. “I was just doing my duty.”

“You have proven yourself to be a trusted ally in the fight against magic,” Uther continued.

“Me?”

“Those who practice magic will seek to exploit Arthur’s inexperience. They will attempt to corrupt him. We must be extra vigilant.”

Merlin swallowed against the bile in his throat. “I will keep my eyes peeled.”

“I know you will.” Uther moved towards the door, but paused there. “If you ever speak of what happened between myself and Arthur to another living soul, I will have you hanged.”

“Right,” Merlin stuttered. “Of course. Yes, My Lord.”

As Uther left, Gaius entered, and Merlin would have crumpled to his knees if he could remember how to bend them, or how to move at all.

“Was that Uther I just saw leaving?” Gaius asked.

“Yeah,” Merlin said. He thought. He could barely hear himself. “He just popped in to say hello.”

“Merlin,” Gaius said seriously. “What did he want?”

Merlin stared. “He wanted to thank me for being a trusted ally in the fight against magic.”

Gaius stared, too. “How you’ve managed to keep that head on your shoulders is a mystery beyond our greatest minds,” he said, and Merlin couldn’t really argue. “Uther should be grateful. Your life would’ve been easier and safer if you’d let him die. You must have been tempted.”

“Maybe for a moment,” Merlin confessed. “But Arthur wouldn’t have been able to forgive himself if he’d gone through with it. It would have destroyed him. I could never stand by and watch him hurt himself like that.”

Gaius’s eyes softened. “I’m proud of you, Merlin.”

Merlin coughed a laugh. “Arthur’s thanking me, Uther’s grateful, you’re proud. I’ve never been this popular!”

“I’m almost certain it won’t last,” Gaius assured him.

“Just let me enjoy the moment, will you?” Merlin asked.

_And try and forget that Arthur is once again convinced that sorcerers are nothing but evil. Thanks to me._

*

“Arthur?” Gwen was surprised to find the Crown Prince at her door so late at night, but she stood aside the moment she registered the broken look on his face. She closed the door behind him, but he didn’t sit, barely seemed to register where he was.

“Arthur, what happened?” Gwen asked. She put her hand carefully on his arm, which seemed to wake him up a bit. His eyes fixed on her, and she could tell that he was holding back tears. He looked so broken.

“I needed to push Merlin away,” Arthur said, so low she could barely hear it. “Well, I’ve done it. After what I said to him, I wouldn’t blame him if he never spoke to me again.”


	8. S2E9 - The Lady of the Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 9, series 2 of BBC Merlin - The Lady of the Lake.
> 
> Merlin grieves, Arthur tried to cheer him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short because I wasn't originally going to include it, but I didn't want to dismiss Merlin's feelings for Freya, so I felt like I wanted to at least do a little something with it.

Merlin knew that he could have been happy with Freya. He would miss his life in Camelot, but with Freya he wouldn’t have to hide who he was. And she was sweet and good and lovely, and she looked at him like she could see all of him.

She had been so scared, and Merlin had known only too well what that felt like. He knew what it was like to have times when you hated the parts of yourself that made you different. They could have made each other happy. They could have brought each other some amount of peace that they couldn’t get anywhere else.

But, Merlin thought, as he watched the boat with her body float further into the lake, perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be.

_I hope you find some peace now_ , Merlin thought as tears flowed freely down his face. For once, he didn’t try to stop them. He just let himself grieve.

*

Merlin wanted to disappear into the earth when Arthur found him as he was cleaning his boots. Lately, Arthur had either ignored Merlin, or only spoken directly to him when he could mock or belittle him, and Merlin wasn’t in the mood for either.

“Ah, Merlin, I was looking for you.”

“Yeah, right, er,” Merlin said, trying to say the words before Arthur could. “You’re gonna ask me to polish your armour and to, er, wash your clothes and clean your room.”

There was a moment of silence, and then Arthur surprised Merlin by sitting down on the floor beside him.

“Something’s been upsetting you, hasn’t it?” he asked, and for the first time in what felt like ages, it was the voice of the other Arthur, the one who could be gentle and mild.

“Maybe,” Merlin confessed without looking at him.

“Was it when I threw water over you?”

Merlin’s lip twitched a little despite himself. “It wasn’t very nice.”

“It was a bit unfair,” Arthur admitted. “Like when you called me _fat._ ”

“Why was that unfair?” Merlin asked.

“Because I am not f–“ Arthur noticed Merlin’s smile and his eyes lit up before he pulled Merlin into a headlock, knuckles rubbing against his skull.

“Ow! Ah!”

“Still think I need to get in shape?” Arthur asked, laughter in his voice.

“No! No, no, no, no no!”

“That’s better,” Arthur said and released his grip. Merlin sat up, rubbing his head, but the pain vanished entirely when he saw Arthur’s smile. It was one of those almost childlike smiles of a man without the burdens of a kingdom on his shoulders, a rare one that Merlin always found he missed when it wasn’t there.

And here it was on Arthur’s face, just for him to see and no one else. This, Merlin thought, was the Arthur he loved most of all. Freya’s loss still hurt like a knife in his heart, but he realised now that he would never have been able to leave Camelot, not really. A part of him would always remain here, with Arthur.

“Thanks,” Merlin managed, and he returned Arthur’s smile. The moment Arthur seemed satisfied that Merlin was back to himself, that smile faded into the smirk of a prat and a prince.

“You are right, though,” he said merrily. “You need to polish my armour, wash my clothes, and clean my room.”


	9. S2E10 - Sweet Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 10, series 2 of BBC Merlin - Sweet Dreams.
> 
> Arthur is enchanted, Merlin is an idiot, and Gwen has had Enough.

“Merlin,” Arthur said from behind the dress screen. “What kind of impression do you think this makes?” He held out a shirt sleeve with his thumb wiggling through a hole. 

“That we have moths?” Merlin suggested.

“Fetch me another,” Arthur said, unimpressed with Merlin’s hilarity.

“And why might you be trying to impress, Sire?” Merlin asked.

“Well, let me see.” Arthur sounded impatient. “Perhaps the five kings sitting in the banquet hall below.”

“Oh,” Merlin said. “Not the King’s daughter, then? The Lady Vivian, she is very beautiful.”

It was one of those rare opportunities where Merlin got a chance to mock Arthur delivered on a silver platter. Lady Vivian was as obnoxious as they came, but Arthur had been known to “run away” with a blonde beauty before.

“Anyone trying to impress the Lady Vivian does so at extreme peril,” Arthur said, boringly not rising to Merlin’s attempts. “Olaf would have their head in a vat of hot oil before they’d have a chance to say hello. Besides, she’s not my type. She may be beautiful, but she’s incredibly rude. You should’ve heard what she said to Gwen.”

“Anyone insulting Gwen should do so at extreme peril,” Merlin muttered, surlier than he meant.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Merlin said. But he was in it now. “I just know how you feel about her, that’s all. That is, if your feelings haven’t changed, as I presume they haven’t.”

Arthur looked at him like he was the greatest fool in the world. “I do have my own vat of hot oil, you know.”

“What’s wrong with Gwen?” Merlin asked, internally kicking himself. Was he really such a lovesick fool that he would actively encourage this simply because it might make Arthur happy?

… Yes. Yes, he was.

“Nothing,” Arthur replied.

“I think she’s very worthy of your love,” Merlin said, knowing it was true no matter how much saying it made his stomach twist in knots.

“Indeed,” Arthur agreed. “If it were so.”

“Which… It is,” he mumbled.

“Merlin?” Arthur said, standing with his arms folded and looking very annoyed and princely.

“Yes, Arthur?” Merlin asked.

“Get out.”

“Yes, Sire.”

Touchy, touchy.

*

“Good morning, Sire!” Merlin called when he entered Arthur’s chambers.

“Never have you been more right, Merlin.” Arthur stood by the window, staring at something in the Square. “It is the sunniest, the most fragrant, the most beautiful morning I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Merlin paused. “You’re dressed,” he commented. And possibly still drunk.

“I am the future King of Camelot, I do have some skills, you know.”

“Indeed,” Merlin agreed. "You are very skilled at getting people to do things for you.”

“That is your job,” Arthur helpfully pointed out. “But today my job is to woo.”

“To what?”

“To woo,” Arthur repeated, proving that Merlin’s sense of hearing was intact. “I wish to make a proclamation of love.”

What the devil had been in those drinks at the banquet? “Really?” Merlin asked. “I thought you wanted to keep your feelings secret?”

“Why would I want to do that?” Arthur sounded like a lovesick child. “By the end of today, I will have won my lady.”

Surely he was drunk. “Right,” Merlin said. “Well, what will your father think?”

“What does my father matter?”

Definitely still drunk. “Well, that’s one way of approaching things.”

“So,” Arthur said. “I need your help in expressing my feelings.”

For heaven’s sake, surely there were limits to Merlin’s patheticness. Arthur stared at Merlin as if waiting for something. Merlin waited for Arthur to say something – preferably something that made sense.

“How to express my feelings,” the prince repeated unhelpfully.

“Oh, I see.” This was decidedly not how Merlin had expected his morning to go. “Erm. Feelings.”

“Feelings,” Arthur confirmed.

“ _Girls_.” One of Merlin’s many specialities, he thought dryly.

“Girls,” he confirmed again.

Merlin grasped around his brain for anything that would get him out of this conversation. “Flowers?”

“Excellent!” Arthur exclaimed. “Find some. Perhaps you should also send a note.”

Oh yes, there was nothing Merlin wanted to do more than pick flowers and write a note to the girl the man he loved had feelings for.

“Brilliant idea,” Merlin said dryly. He was already on his way out the door, but Arthur was still yapping on behind him like he didn’t notice.

“Something moving. Something from the heart. Something… Oh, you’ll think of something.”

It occurred to Merlin that today would be a very good day to get kicked in the head by a mad horse.

*

Gwen looked up from the very confusing note she had received, as Merlin burst through her door.

“Merlin, can’t you knock?” she asked, though his presence wasn’t unwelcome. He did look a little sickly, though.

“Rats,” he said, further confirming her suspicions.

“What?”

“Big. Hairy. Sharp teeth. Er, yeah, definitely under here.” Merlin ducked to the floor and under the table. Gwen leaned down to stare at him.

“Are you feeling alright?” Gwen asked.

“Me? Never better!” Merlin scrambled up from under the table, barely avoiding a bump on the head. “You?”

Gwen stared at him. “I am having a rather surprising day,” she admitted.

“Oh, really?”

“Yes,” she said. “You know when you think you know someone, and then suddenly they turn around and do something utterly insane that leads you to think they may in fact have lost their mind?”

“Ehm,” Merlin said. “Sort of.”

“Well,” Gwen said. “That is what has happened to me today. Twice.” She took a step towards Merlin and help up the absurd note that had supposedly been from Arthur. “Now do you want to tell me what exactly is going on?”

“Right,” Merlin said, eying the note. “So, Arthur might have brain damage.”

*

“I may have caused a problem,” Merlin said to Gaius as he entered their chambers. “Although it wasn’t entirely my doing.”

Gaius looked at him with a tired expression he knew too well by now. “What now, Merlin?”

“Arthur’s in love.”

Gaius raised an eyebrow. “I assume if this was in fact something you had caused, your tone would be markedly different.”

“Right, well, that bit isn’t my fault, the other bit is. Oh, but I can’t tell you about that bit.”

“Clear as mud,” Gaius said dryly.

“Arthur’s completely besotted,” Merlin said. “He can’t concentrate on anything! All he thinks about, all he talks about is… The Lady Vivian.”

“The Lady Vivian? How could that have happened?”

“Trust me, I have been asking myself that question since I found out, and I don’t know,” Merlin agreed. “Something doesn’t feel right. Only yesterday he dismissed her as rude.”

Gaius sighed. “If Arthur professes his love for Vivian, Olaf will be furious. Surely, Arthur knows that?”

Merlin nodded, though he wasn’t entirely confident that was the bit that he, personally, was most concerned about, even if he should be. “See, Arthur said it was his job to woo his lady by the end of the day.”

“And it’s your job to stop him,” Gaius said.

Just once, Merlin wished all of this could somehow turn in to a complicated magical problem. At least those, he had some idea how to deal with.

*

Be careful what you wish for, Merlin thought when he woke up from sleeping on a pile of books to Gaius announcing “breakfast”.

“There are over 636 love spells in these books,” Merlin said, “and over 150 of them involve a lock of hair.”

“Is there no way we can narrow them down a bit?” Gaius asked,

“Oh, I have,” Merlin said. “Look. If I choose this one, and it’s wrong, Arthur will end up as a toad. And if this one’s wrong, Vivian will lose all her hair.”

“Well,” Gaius said. “Olaf might not declare war for that, but she certainly would.”

And with that helpful bit of advice, Merlin went back to work.

*

“Rats again, Merlin?” Gwen asked when Merlin once again burst into her house without knocking.

“What? No.” She turned away from the window and found Merlin looking very uncomfortable in the middle of the room. “No, erm, I need your help. Arthur needs your help.”

For heaven’s sake, not this again. “What is it you think _I_ can do for him?” She had been trying to talk some sense into him about Vivian since she found out, but Arthur was behaving like an entirely different person.

“Gwen,” Merlin said, looking even more awkward. “I know.”

“You know what?” Gwen asked.

“Everything! Anyone who spends five minutes with you can see how you feel about each other!” Merlin exclaimed, and Gwen thought for once that Arthur wasn’t wrong when he said that Merlin could be inexplicably stupid. “Look, I don’t have time to explain, so you’re going to have to trust me,” he said. “Arthur does love you.”

“No,” Gwen said firmly, willing Merlin to believe her. “He doesn’t.”

“He’s enchanted, Gwen!” Merlin exclaimed. “Literally! None of his feelings for Vivian are real, but if you do not break the spell, his death will be.” Merlin’s voice turned pleading. “Search your heart. You know who he loves.”

_Yes, I do_ , Gwen thought, but if what Merlin said was true, then she didn’t have time to lecture him about this at the moment.

*

Gwen pulled Merlin with her into the tent, despite his attempts to stay out of it. He pretended he wanted to give them privacy, but Gwen didn’t seem to accept that.

“Ah!” Arthur exclaimed when he spotted them. “Have you two finally come to wish me good luck? ‘Cause I really don’t think I need it anymore.”

“No, Arthur,” Gwen said, “I have not come to wish you luck. I have come to prove to the two of you that you’re both being intolerably stupid.”

That made Merlin, who had already been looking away in anticipation of the kiss he didn’t want a memory of, turn back and watch as Gwen shoved Arthur up against the tent pole and kissed him.

Merlin’s eyes were glued to them for the few seconds Gwen’s lips were pressed against Arthur’s, and he thought he might shatter into a million pieces until Gwen pulled away and Arthur kept staring at her with that same blank look in his eyes.

“Well, honestly, that was rather rude,” he said, and went back to preparing for the next round of the battle.

Merlin stared. What –

“Do you see, Merlin?” Gwen spun around to face him, and for a moment he was actually frightened by the fiery look in her usually gentle eyes. “Arthur doesn’t love me! And I do not love Arthur; I love Lancelot!”

She grabbed Merlin’s shirt and pushed him towards Arthur so hard he nearly tripped over his own feet. “Now _you_ kiss him, you blind fool.”

Merlin stared at her in shock. “ _What_?”

“Honestly, you’re fools, the both of you!” Gwen shouted.

“What on earth are you two on about?” Arthur asked, turning to face them, and in that moment, as Merlin turned to look at him, Gwen gave him a solid push in the back and Merlin stumbled forward, catching his hands on Arthur’s chest and pushing him up against the tent pole where Gwen had kissed him just a moment before.

Merlin couldn’t breathe. He had been close to Arthur in the course of his duties before but not like this, not with his face so close and his hands on Arthur’s chest where he could feel his heart beating against his fingers, and feel his breath on his face…

Merlin kissed him.

It was careful at first, his panic so strong it felt like his body was trying to back away even as his lips found Arthur’s, but then he felt those lips on his own and it was like fire, like an invisible force that pulled him closer until his chest was pressed against Arthur’s and his lips pressed harder against his and then there were arms around him, strong arms that Merlin had dreamed about for so long and then _Arthur was kissing him back_.

Merlin pulled away to fill his lungs back up with air and found Arthur’s sky blue eyes staring down at him, marvellous and surprised and so very Arthur, all traces of confusion and enchantments were gone.

He was Arthur again.

Merlin stumbled backwards, tripping over his own feet. He tore his eyes away from Arthur, who stood entirely still with a look on his face Merlin couldn’t define, and he found Gwen staring at him with glittering eyes and a smile.

_I told you so_ , those eyes said. Merlin looked back to Arthur who still hadn’t moved or looked away from Merlin.

It was too much.

Merlin had dreamed about this for so long and it couldn’t be true, it couldn’t. There were too many things Arthur didn’t know, things Merlin was keeping from him and maybe always had to keep from him and if _this_ was real then how could –

Merlin ran out of the tent, not fully certain himself why he did it. He just knew that he had to get far away from Arthur’s eyes, Arthur’s lips, and all the reasons that screamed in his head about why this would always be impossible.

*

Arthur felt like he was waking up to a dream. Or, rather, slipping from one dream to another. It had to be a dream, because in what reality did he get to open his eyes to find Merlin pressed up against him and his lips softly against his own? In what reality did he get to wrap his arms around Merlin’s thin frame and press him closer and kiss him back?

It had to be a dream, right?

The Merlin he may or may not be imagining pulled back as if he’d been burned, and Arthur could only stare at his lips, made redder from his own, in wonder and confusion as Merlin moved further and further away. He looked so scared, this Merlin he wasn’t sure he’d dreamt up or not. And then he was gone.

And then Gwen was in front of him, gently patting his arm. “Arthur? Arthur?”

The gentle tap turned into a slap and Arthur’s eyes came back into focus. Gwen stood before him with a concerned look, and he was in a tent and dressed for battle.

“What am I doing?” he asked, and cringed at the familiar sensation of a wound in his side. “What’s going on?”

“What do you remember?” Gwen asked carefully.

“I… Was Merlin here,” he asked through muddled thoughts. “Was that real?”

“What matters right now is that you’re in a fight. To the death. You’re losing.”

“But…”

“There’s no time to explain,” she said urgently. “Just live through this, alright? Afterwards, I will tell you anything you want to know. I promise.”

*

Arthur leaned in the corner of her kitchen when Gwen returned that evening. There was a rose on her table, and she raised an eyebrow at Arthur when she spotted it.

“Thought I’d better deliver it myself this time,” Arthur said. “As an apology for everything you have to put up with.”

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Gwen assured him.

“You promised you would tell me everything if I lived,” Arthur reminded her. “My mind is still muddled. I recall having feelings for Vivian, and that they weren’t real, but all the details are hard to grasp.”

Gwen just listened, patiently, waiting for the question.

“Was it real?” Arthur finally asked, his voice barely above a whisper, and she thought she detected a tremble in it. “In the tent? With Merlin?”

“We had to break the enchantment,” Gwen said. “Merlin, the idiot, thought it would break if I kissed you. It didn’t, obviously.”

“Then what did?”

“I think you know that.”

“Then I didn’t dream it,” Arthur said. “Merlin kissed me. He broke the enchantment, and then he fled.”

“I’ve never seen him look so scared before,” Gwen said. “It was as if he realised, all at once, that what he wanted might want him in return, and it terrified him.”

“Why would he run?” Arthur asked. “I… I kissed him back.”

“Oh, Arthur,” Gwen said sadly. “I don’t know. But I do know that, though your feelings for Vivian may not have been real, one day you will be expected to find a queen. Merlin knows that, too.”

“It will be harder now,” Arthur said. “If he knows I return his affections.”  
Gwen hesitated. “If you truly do not want this to change anything…”

“What I want doesn’t matter,” Arthur said. “Merlin’s safety is the only thing I care about. He is already at risk without adding… further complications. As far as Merlin will know, I don’t recall what happened in the tent. Once he realises that, he’ll likely never bring it up again.”

“That is your choice to make,” Gwen said, wishing she could somehow heal the pain in her friend’s eyes but knowing she did not have that power. “Perhaps one day, things will be different.”


	10. S2E11 - The Witch's Quickening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 11, series 2 of BBC Merlin - The Witch's Quickening.
> 
> Morgana's actions drive Merlin to make desperate decision about their friendship.

Merlin stayed by the door to Morgana’s room after Arthur had finished yelling at him and left. Merlin waited until he was certain the guards were away, and he knocked on the door again. He only had to wait a short time before Morgana opened it, but instead of letting him in, she slipped out into the hallway, arms wrapped around herself protectively.

“Merlin…” She trailed off, unsure.

“Morgana, I know you’re hiding the intruders,” Merlin whispered. “I could–“ he cut himself off. They had never discussed their magic with each other out of the same fear of discovery, and now he found himself uncertain of how much of his magic he could share. In the last moment, he made an instinctual decision to remain vague as they usually would.

“I could sense them,” he whispered. “I know they’re in there. What do they want?”

Morgana’s eyes darkened. “I didn’t have time to find out before Arthur came barging in. Did you tell him to do that?”

“Strangers came to your rooms in the night, Morgana,” Merlin pointed out. “For all I know, they meant you harm.”

She softened a little. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I know how loyal you are to Arthur, why wouldn’t you tell him if you thought I was in danger,” she said sweetly. “But please, do not reveal that I am hiding the intruders. I am certain they mean me no harm. I swear to you.”

Perhaps not, Merlin thought, but they could easily mean harm to someone else considering all the trouble they went through to get into the palace.

But Merlin had heard Mordred’s voice, and whatever Kilgharrah said about him, Merlin knew the boy was fond of Morgana. Merlin also knew how it felt to have others insist on making decisions about his magic and how to use it. Surely, for now, it would be alright to trust Morgana’s judgment. She deserved that much.

“I can tell from your eyes that you will not let me into the room,” Merlin said, “but if you will promise me to be careful and that they will not harm _anyone,_ then I will keep their presence a secret as long as I can.”

Morgana smiled warmly at him. “I can live with those terms. Thank you, Merlin.”

She retreated into her room without another word, and Merlin was left with the uneasy feeling that something about her bright smile hadn’t been quite right.

But this was _Morgana,_ he reminded himself as he walked back towards his chambers. She may be troubled, but she was still a good person.

*

_Why did you not let him in?_ Mordred asked in Morgana’s head when she closed the door behind her. Yes, of course the boy would also remember Merlin and his kindness.

“Merlin is a good friend,” Morgana said, “but his loyalties will always be to Arthur first. I do not want to force him to choose between the two of us.”

It was as true as it was sad. Merlin made her feel less alone with her magic, but she did not feel in her heart that Merlin would side with those with magic over Arthur, even if it was to his own detriment. Better to keep Merlin out of it.

Mordred stared at her with dark eyes that seemed to hold wisdom no one so young should have to carry. Morgana felt in her heart that she would protect this boy against Uther’s cruelty, no matter what. She was not certain she could say the same for Merlin.

*

Merlin froze in the middle of Arthur’s chambers when he noticed Morgana was also in the room. She turned around and spotted him, her eyes widening in shock.

“Merlin!” she exclaimed, as if he was the one who wasn’t where he was supposed to be. “I was looking for Arthur.”

“He’s out training,” Merlin said, feeling uneasy.

“Of course...” Morgana looked like she was very eager to get out of this conversation.

“He, er, he trains every day,” Merlin pointed out. “The same time, same place.” He lowered his voice. “Does this have anything to do with the intruders?”

“No,” Morgana said, too quickly. “I just wanted to apologise to him for last night. Another time, perhaps.”

“Morgana,” Merlin tried again. “You know you can trust me, don’t you? If you’re in trouble, I want to help. You can tell me what your, ehm, visitors are doing.”

“I gave them my word that I wouldn’t, Merlin. I need you to trust me for now. Trust that I know that I am doing the right thing.”

There was something strange in her voice, Merlin thought, and he couldn’t put his finger on it. “Are you certain?”

“Of course,” she said with her sweet smile. “Thank you, Merlin. It means more to me than you know, having a friend like you who understands.”

Merlin did believe that, he believed her sincerity. And yet, as she walked out of the room, he was struck with the most unusual feeling.

He wondered when, exactly, he had stopped explicitly trusting Morgana.

*

Perhaps that had been a mistake.

“Morgana stole the crystal?” Gaius asked as they entered his chambers.

“I’m certain of it,” Merlin said. “I caught her in Arthur’s chambers. She must have taken his keys.”

“Can you prove any of this?”

“Well, no, but–“

“Merlin!”

“She did it, Gaius, I’d bet my life on it!” Merlin wasn’t about to admit that he all but allowed Morgana to walk away with the key, even if he hadn’t seen it on her, but he needed Gaius to believe him.

“Merlin, you go accusing the King’s ward without proof, that’s exactly what you’d be doing."

“I know.”

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Gaius said. “Why would Morgana steal such a thing?”

“Uther said it was an instrument of magic.”

“There are many legends about the Crystal,” Gaius agreed.

“Is it some kind of weapon?”

“That, I don’t know.”

“But you’ve heard of it?”

“Indeed,” Gaius nodded. “The sorcerers of the past believed it held the secret of time itself.”

“What do they mean by that?” Merlin asked.

“I’m not sure.” Gaius thought for a moment. “The crystal is an artefact of the Old Religion. There is only one who could tell you more.”

*

Kilgharrah had not, in fact, told him more, because the great lizard was incapable of speaking plainly. All Merlin knew was that it was powerful and dangerous. It was enough that he didn't hesitate to follow Morgana that night as she travelled into the woods. Merlin hardly believed what he heard.

Morgana was willing to betray everything she knew, by the sounds of it. The worst thing was that Merlin understood her entirely. He wanted nothing more than the kind of world Morgana dreamed of. But he knew that the cost of forcing such a world into existence would be higher than he was willing to pay, which was why he forced himself to be patient.

Morgana, it seemed, had given up on patience.

*

“Alvarr has a fearsome reputation,” Gaius said after Merlin told him what he’d witnessed in the forest.

“You know of him?” Merlin asked.

“I know he’s a sorcerer, and that he and his band of renegades have threatened to overthrow the King.”

“He sounded pretty determined,” Merlin agreed.

“He’s a fanatic, and his supporters follow him unthinkingly, blinded by his charisma.”

“Well, it worked on Morgana.”

Why would she not tell Merlin about this? Why would she steal something so powerful and give to someone so dangerous? What was she thinking?

“So it would seem,” Gaius said.

“And the druid boy. Alvarr’s using him, too. He seems to think the boy can harness the power of the Crystal.” Which wasn’t impossible, according to the dragon.

_The ancient prophecies speak of an alliance of Mordred and Morgana united in evil, but this union must be stopped, whatever the cost._

Gods, how Merlin hated Kilgharrah when he said things like that. Asking Merlin to let a child die or betray his friend for this cryptic greater good, even as the dragon never saw fit to give so much as one straightforward answer.

“We can’t let this happen, Merlin,” Gaius warned.

“It not as though we can just go to Uther with this, so what can we do?”

“We can bend the truth a little.”

*

Merlin tried to find Morgana before Gaius went to Uther, he really did, but he was too late. And by the time he heard she had already confronted Arthur about this supposedly ridiculous mission, it was too late. Merlin knew she must have gone to warn them.

Why hadn’t she come to him? Why had she lied and kept secrets? Merlin wouldn’t have revealed her magic! He would have warned her of taking risks with something as powerful as the Crystal, that’s all. Urged patience. Perhaps she wouldn’t have listened, but if she had only given him the chance, he could have at least reminded her that she was not alone, that he was there for her.

Now, however... The more Merlin thought about it, the more he found himself regretting having given Morgana such important knowledge about himself. Which is why, before he left with Arthur, Merlin poured over his trusted book until he found a spell he wasn’t even certain he was strong enough to do, and then he snuck through the palace to Morgana’s chambers. He sat on her bed, hand on her pillow, and he focused more than he had needed to in a very long time, trying to weave the complicated magic into the fabric between his fingers. It took a lot of energy out of him, left him drained for so long he was certain Arthur would tell him off for being late, but finally it was done and Merlin was able to stumble out of the chamber on shaking limbs.

He sincerely hoped that was the last time he would ever have to use a spell of Forgetting.

*

“You cannot wield the Crystal!” Alvarr shouted at Arthur and his knights. “You do not have that power! None of you do!”

Arthur snatched the crystal out of Alvarr’s hands and walked away from him. He took it out if its pouch to look at it just as he passed by Merlin.

Merlin could not look away from it.

*

It felt so _loud_ , even when he wasn’t looking directly at it. It was as though having seen it had been enough, and now it kept reaching towards Merlin, calling to him, begging him to come closer, and all Merlin could do was clutch his head between his hands and cling to his self control.

“Merlin?”

His head snapped up and he realised Arthur had been talking to him.

“Sorry,” he said quickly.

“Not the right answer.”

“What?”

Arthur stared at him like he’d grown a second head. “Something on your mind, is there?”

_The crystal,_ Merlin thought, _being so loud I can barely hear you._

“It’s just...” Merlin grasped around for words to explain his behaviour. “When we entered the camp, it was a trap, wasn’t it? They knew we were coming.”

“Yeah, so?”

“How did they know?” _Gods,_ could the crystal not stop screaming so loud?

“Well, they’re sorcerers, aren’t they? Probably used magic or something,” Arthur said, in the tone very much of someone who didn’t know a thing about magic. “Now, I need you to guard this with your life.”

Arthur took out the cloth bag containing the crystal, and Merlin fought the desire to scoot away from it.

“Why me?”  
  
“I can hardly guard it when I’m asleep, can I?” Arthur said.

“Neither can I.”

“Who said anything about you sleeping?” Arthur tossed the crystal to Merlin, and before he could even think, he caught it in his hand.

_Touch me, touch me, see me, see me._

Merlin dropped it to the ground like burning coal. He barely registered time passing after that, all he could do was stare down at the bag at his feet as it continued to urge and pull and tempt him. It was so strong and so loud and Merlin couldn’t tune it out.

He grabbed the bag and pulled out the Crystal.

*

“Merlin? Is there something interesting in there?”

Melin looked up from his soup. “Sorry?”

Gaius sighed. “What’s the matter?”

Merlin swallowed. He was still shaking a little. “It’s the Crystal. It harbours a terrible power, Gaius.”

“It’s locked away now,” Gaius assured him. “It can do no harm.” The older man stared at Merlin for a long moment. “Unless the damage has already been done?”

“I held it.” Merlin could barely force the words out past his trembling tongue. “I knew I shouldn’t, I knew no good would come of it, but it compelled me to look. I couldn’t resist it. I saw things, terrible things.”

Gaius’s eyes softened in concern. “Then you’ve already paid the price.”  
  
“But what I saw has not yet come to pass, and I am scared, Gaius,” Merlin confessed. “I'm really scared of what the future may hold.”

“There is nothing on this earth that can know all possible futures,” Gaius said. “Even the Crystal.”

“But what I saw, it was so real.”

“It was real. But it was just one reality. The future is as yet unshaped. It is we that shape it. It is you, Merlin. The decisions you make. The actions you take. Remember that. Now eat your soup before it gets cold.”


	11. S2E12 - The Fires of Idirsholas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 12, series 2 of BBC Merlin - The Fires of Idirsholas.
> 
> Camelot is in danger, and Merlin must make an impossible choice to save his home and the man he loves.

“What happened to your arm?” Arthur asked once they finally came to a stop in the woods. With the adrenaline, Merlin hadn’t noticed anything at all, but he now saw a spot of red on his shirt.

“Oh,” he said. “I must have caught on something.”

“Let me see it,” Arthur said, and Merlin wasn’t sure if he really did sound concerned, or if that was wishful thinking on Merlin’s part. Arthur inspected the small cut. “Your first battle would!” he said enthusiastically once he was satisfied his servant wasn’t about to die on him. “Here.”

Arthur tore off a strip of fabric from the bottom of his tunic.

“Er, no, no, don’t. You’ll ruin it!” Merlin managed, after the damage was already done.

“Don’t worry,” Arthur said. “You can mend it.”

Arthur proceeded to wrap the fabric around Merlin’s arm, and Merlin tried not to breathe. Yes, Merlin’s daily duties included dressing and undressing the prince and finding himself in countless other situations where he was physically close to the prince, but it was different when he was doing his job. He could focus on the task at hand then.

Now, Arthur stood close enough that Merlin could feel his breath and smell his sweat and unwelcome memories of him pressed against Arthur’s chest with arms wrapped around him – _Stop that!_

Merlin shook himself. He wasn’t allowed to go there, that was the deal he made with himself. If Arthur didn’t remember it, Merlin wouldn’t either. He had expunged it from his brain. The memory of strong lips yielding easily under his own was totally erased.

No memory of it at all.

“Did anyone else escape?” Arthur asked, and Merlin nearly sagged with relief when the prince finished and stepped away. He managed to shake his head in response.

“We need to get back to Camelot,” Arthur said. “Gather reinforcements.”

*

The silence already had Arthur on edge before he noticed the guards lying on the ground. They were breathing, but Merlin wasn’t wrong, they all looked dead. It was the same as they entered the Square. A horse ran with a cart while the driver was fast asleep.

Arthur had a bad feeling even before they entered the palace and found more people strewn on the stairs, sleeping, and Arthur’s first thought was for the king, while Merlin thought of Gaius. The latter was asleep at his work table.

“This must be magic,” Merlin said, though even Arthur could have guessed as much.

“We have to find my father.”

As they passed Morgana’s chambers, Arthur led them inside. Gwen was asleep on the floor, and both Arthur and Merlin drew in a worried breath at the sight. Arthur moved her to the bed, at least, so she would be more comfortable.

Movement behind the curtain drew their attention, and Arthur was beyond relieved to find Morgana, even if she was screaming at him.

“It’s me! It’s me, Morgana! Calm down,” he tried to reassure her. “Just tell me what happened.”

“People were complaining, saying they weren’t feeling well,” Morgana said, seemingly having to concentrate on every word.

“And what then?” Arthur urged.

“They started falling asleep. Everyone, everywhere I went!”

“Was there someone here, someone doing it to them?” Morgana shook her head. “Then why were you hiding?”

“I told you, I didn’t know who you were.”

She seemed like she was in shock and confused, but Arthur didn’t have time for that. If everyone in his entire kingdom was asleep besides the three of them, he needed answers.

“Where’s my father?” he asked.

“I don’t know.”

“Arthur, she’s distressed,” Merlin spoke up for the first time.

“If she was awake then she must have seen something.”

“I didn’t see anything. There was nothing to see.”

“You saw people getting sick,” Arthur pushed. “What did you do?”

“What _could_ I do?” she asked in return.

“Morgana, I don’t understand,” Arthur said, working very hard to remain calm. “Why is it that you’re the only person awake?”

*

Merlin fell back with Morgana in the hallway. He had been nervous to be alone with her ever since they returned with the Crystal – he had no idea if his Forgetting spell had worked, and as scared as he was, he had to find out.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I won’t say anything.”

“About what?” Morgana asked.

“The illness.”

“That has nothing to do with me,” Morgana said, though Merlin wasn’t entirely convinced about that yet.

“No, of course not,” he said, swallowing his nerves. “But you have magic.”

_So do you,_ he prepared himself for.

Morgana’s eyes widened. “You haven’t told anyone that!” she exclaimed in fear. Either she was an incredible actress, or it had worked.

“No," he said, “and I won’t tell Arthur, but… There must be something keeping you safe, and I think that must be it.” _Unless there’s some other reason._

“Right,” Morgana said carefully.

He couldn’t be entirely convinced, of course, but surely if she remembered that Merlin also had magic, this would have been the time to mention it.

“I found him!” Arthur shouted in the distance, and Merlin was more than happy to be finished with this conversation.

*

Arthur had given Merlin more than enough time on his own to potentially come up with some magical way to wake everyone up, but the dejected look on his face indicated that even Merlin couldn’t solve this crisis on his own.

Now, the two of them watched from the battlements as eight riders neared Camelot.

“According to the legend, there were only seven knights of Medhir.”

“Then who’s the extra rider?” Merlin asked.

“I don’t know. Camelot is defenceless.” Arthur tried to swallow against his rising fear as the knights came closer and closer. They would be in the palace in mere moments. This was a time to be a leader, not a coward. “We have to head back to my father.”

*

The three of them managed to get Uther to his chambers. Merlin and Morgana dropped his legs as if the floor was a perfectly respectable place to leave a king lying around.

“We can’t leave him here!” Arthur insisted. “We have to lift him onto the bed.”

“Why?” Merlin asked. “He’s asleep. He’s not going to know.”

“Merlin!”

“Well, I’ll get him a pillow.” 

“He’s the King!” Arthur exclaimed.

“All right,” Merlin shrugged. “Two pillows.”

Arthur didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or thrash him. What he did know was that he staggered as he stood after putting pillows under his father’s head.

“You alright?” Merlin asked. By the looks of it, he was swaying a bit, too.

“Are you feeling the same?”

Merlin nodded. “We’re getting sick.”

Arthur noticed Merlin looking towards Morgana with an expression he couldn’t interpret and didn’t have time to inspect. “We can’t let that happen,” he said. He had no idea what to do, no idea how to fight undead soldiers or break sleeping curses.

The only thing Arthur could think of that might save them now, was Merlin.

Arthur just needed to give him enough time to figure something out, and pretend that wasn't what he was doing.

*

Kilgharrah wasn’t going to let him back out of their agreement this time, Merlin knew it. He paced in Gaius’s chambers as he considered the dragon’s words.

_You must eradicate the source, Merlin_.

There had to be another way. There had to be. Morgana had made some mistakes recently, yes. She had endangered Camelot by stealing the Crystal, and Merlin no longer felt he could trust her, which was why he made her forget his magic, but this…

_You must kill her._

It couldn’t be the only way. Merlin couldn’t just murder his friend! He couldn’t do that to Morgana, and he couldn’t do that to the people who loved her. Arthur, Gwen…

Both of whom might sleep forever if Merlin couldn’t stop this spell.

_If you do not, then Camelot will fall and Arthur will die, and the future you were destined to share will die with you._

It was the one thing Merlin knew he could never allow. Merlin gathered up the clothes needed to disguise the king, and his eyes kept wandering to Gaius’s collection of potions. Specifically, the bottle of hemlock.

I won’t do it, he told himself. But what if all other options failed? What if Arthur–

Merlin grabbed the bottle together with his water-skin.

Just in case.

*

Merlin couldn’t believe he had gotten Arthur to stand down and not kill Morgause on the spot. The last time they saw her, she nearly had him kill his own father. Merlin felt it shouldn’t have been as easy as simply pulling him back.

*

They barely made it to the council room. Arthur and Merlin barred the door and Arthur felt as if he could suffocate on the feeling of helplessness. They couldn’t make it to the cart, not with Uther, their health was failing and the knights wouldn’t stop coming. He made a last effort to get Morgana to remember whatever potion had kept her awake this long, but the more looks he caught Merlin give her, the more he doubted if there ever even was one.

“Unless we can rid ourselves of this sickness,” Arthur said, “then I don’t see how we’re going to hold out."

“We have to destroy the source of the magic,” Merlin said. Ah, there, Arthur knew Merlin only needed more time to solve the puzzle.

“Which is?”

“I don’t know,” Merlin replied. Arthur wondered how he had ever been fooled by Merlin’s lies, even once. He certainly wasn’t fooled now. Merlin knew what the source was, and for some reason chose to hide it. At least from Arthur.

“Our only chance is to get out of Camelot,” he said, fighting for time. “Help me with my father. You cut the blanket up. We’ll tie it to my father, and we’ll lower him onto the cart.”

“Arthur,” Morgana said, voice full of pity.

“Morgana, please, just do as I say! I’ll fetch the cart ‘round the window.”

“You’re going out there?” Merlin asked, and Arthur already knew what his next words would be. “I’ll come with you.”

Brave Merlin. “No. No, you stay. You protect my father.”

_I hate to ask that of you,_ he thought. _But Uther is the King and he cannot die. Not now. Not like this._

“You won’t reach the cart alone,” Merlin insisted. “It’s suicide!”

“We have no choice.” Besides, Arthur didn’t need to reach the cart. He just needed to buy himself enough time for Merlin to give them all a miracle.

He could tell Merlin wanted to keep arguing, but he was loyal enough that he followed Arthur to the door anyway, preparing to remove the bars.

“How you feeling?” Merlin asked.

“Not bad,” Arthur lied.

“You sure?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Never better,” Merlin lied, too.

“Get me a pillow, could you,” Arthur tried to joke, but even that took half his energy and he could feel his eyelids grow ten times heavier.

“Arthur, you… Arthur?” He heard Merlin’s voice as if under water. “You need to stay awake.”

He knew that, but his body was so tired and he was so warm and his head was killing him. If only he could close his eyes for a moment…

Pain stinging his cheek made his eyes flash back open and stare at Merlin, hand still raised as if ready to smack the Crown Prince again.

“Merlin!”

“That’s better!”

“If you ever do that again–”

“Well, don’t fall asleep, then!” Merlin yelled back. Arthur took the water skin from Merlin and poured it on his face. That was better. His brain felt at least a little less muddled. Engaged enough to register the growling of undead knights on the other side of the door.

“That your knees again?” he tried to tease, but it fell flat. Any second now, they would have unbarred this door and Arthur would leave Merlin and Morgana behind.

If Merlin’s magic didn’t save the day, this could be the last time he ever saw him.

“If I need a servant in the next life…” Arthur trailed off.

“Don’t ask me!”

Arthur laughed, the feeling waking him up even further. He looked at Merlin one last time, catching a lingering smile and blue eyes that somehow sparkled despite Merlin being about ready to keel over.

Arthur drew his sword.

Merlin pulled back the bar.

*

“He’s not going to survive out there,” Morgana said.

“I know,” Merlin said, pacing the room.

“We’ve got to do something.”

“I know.”

They could hear the fight going on outside, Arthur’s grunts and shouts. Merlin handed Morgana the cloth they’d dragged Uther on.

“Here, you tear this up,” he said. “I’ll make some rope.” She did as instructed, and Merlin spun around, his back to her.

Gods, was he really doing this? Could he really do this? He didn’t even know if Morgana was aware that she was the source of the spell! What if she was entirely innocent in all this? Images flashed in his mind of Morgana fighting off Kanen’s men to help save Ealdor, and laughing with Gwen in the corner of every feast. Moments of her courage, her kindness, her strength.

Arthur gave a shout of pain somewhere in the castle.

_Forgive me._

Merlin opened the bottle of hemlock and mixed it into the water.

*

“You did the right thing,” Gaius said, after Merlin finished telling him the whole story.

“You don’t mean that. Morgana was your friend, too. You cared about her.”

“I did,” Gaius agreed. “But I fear that, unlike you, Morgana chose not to use her gift for good. You had no choice. Would I be sitting here now if you had not made that decision?”

Merlin knew Gaius was right, but it didn’t make him feel better. All he could feel was regret. Instead of pulling away and removing Morgana’s knowledge of his magic, he should have pulled closer. He should have sat Morgana down the first day they confessed their magic to each other and had a long talk, he should have opened her eyes the way Gaius had opened his. All of this could have gone so differently if only Merlin hadn’t been so damn scared.

And now, all he was left with was regret, and a promise to keep.

“Where are you going?” Gaius asked when Merlin stood up.

“I’ll eat later.”

“Merlin?” He could hear the concern in Gaius’s voice.

“There is something I have to do.”


	12. S2E13 - The Last Dragonlord

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from episode 13, series 2 of BBC Merlin - The Last Dragonlord.
> 
> Arthur and Merlin face a dragon, and a lot of Complicated Feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is one scene in here that I wanted to do, but felt I couldn't do justice, so I just sort of wrote around it. You'll see which one it is - it's one of the sad ones.

“You’re not to blame,” Arthur said, and Merlin wanted to fold in on himself with shame. So many people were dead and injured, and Arthur was fighting for his life, and it was all Merlin’s fault. The dragon approached and Arthur once again prepared for combat. Merlin watched him go with his heart in his throat.

*

“You shouldn’t’ve risked your life like that,” Gwen chastised Arthur in the infirmary.

“Would you have preferred I let you die?” Arthur teased.

“It wouldn’t be my first choice, but seeing you hurt isn’t very high on my list, either.” Gwen continued to treat his wound while they both fell into silence. The infirmary was loud around them, yet Arthur still heard Merlin’s voice in the fray. He looked to where he was talking to Gaius. He couldn’t make out the details, but he could see desperation on Merlin’s face. The way he spoke to Gaius was apologetic and desperate in a different way from everyone else in the infirmary.

“Merlin told me earlier that he was sorry I had to do this,” Arthur heard himself say.

“Of course he is, you idiot,” Gwen said. “Do you imagine he enjoys seeing you put yourself in danger over and over again?”

“No, that’s not–I mean, he didn’t sound worried so much as he sounded genuinely sorry. Like he was apologising.”

Gwen’s hand stopped moving where she had been cleaning his wound. Her voice dropped to a whisper. “You’re not actually suggesting what I think you are suggesting.”

“I wonder if he knew about the dragon this whole time.” Arthur kept staring at Merlin, barely recognising the sound of his own voice. “Imagine what that must’ve been like. Watching the creature that is arguably the most like you in all of Camelot, seeing it in chains. Alone. Shunned.”

Gwen’s voice was softer when she spoke again. “I can’t even imagine. But that doesn’t mean–”

“I’m not suggesting he wanted the thing to burn all of Camelot to the ground,” Arthur said. “Or even that he suspected the dragon might attack. I’m just saying… I’m not sure I could have stood by and watched one of my kin in a situation like that for very long.”

Gwen carefully placed her hand on Arthur’s arm, and he finally looked away from Merlin and to the friend in front of him. Her eyes were as sad as he felt.

“You hurt for him,” Gwen said. “He hurts for you. It’s a vicious circle you have put yourself in, Arthur. In the end, who does it serve?”

Arthur didn’t know how to answer that, so he said nothing.

*

Merlin had been uncharacteristically quiet for the whole journey. Even now, as they prepared for bed – Arthur was _not_ focusing on how they would both be asleep, in beds, very close together – Merlin looked like he was somewhere else.

“What is wrong with you today?” he finally asked.

“What?” Merlin looked surprised to find Arthur staring at him.

“It pains me to admit it, but I do enjoy your surly retorts. In fact, it’s probably your only redeemable feature.”

“Thanks,” Merlin muttered, proving Arthur’s point.

“There are loads of servants who can serve.” Arthur was determined to get a rise out of him. “So few are capable of making a complete prat of themselves.” Silence was all that met him. He sighed. “What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“It’s something. Tell me.”

More silence. Arthur knew he was meant to keep his distance, that he was meant to mock and prod and not encourage anything else, but he was truly concerned. There had to be some way to pull the truth out of Merlin. However, if the truth was what he had speculated with Gwen back in Camelot, he knew he wouldn’t be successful.

“Alright,” Arthur tried again. “I know I’m a prince, so we can’t be… friends.” Gods, but that word stung. “But if I wasn’t a prince…”

“What?” Merlin asked with mild curiosity.

“Well, then… I think we’d probably get on.”

“So?”

“So at least can you tell me?”

“Well, that’s true. But you see, if you weren’t a prince, I’d tell you to mind your own damn business.”

“Merlin.” Damn, he hadn’t meant that to come out so sincere. He tried for teasing again. “Are you missing Gaius?”

Quiet. “Something like that.”

“Well, what is it, then?” Arthur just needed Merlin to give him something. He couldn’t lie here knowing Merlin was hurting and being absolutely useless about it. Arthur picked up the spare pillow from his bed and chucked it at Merlin, ignoring the pain that shot from his wound at the motion.

“Fine, I’ll tell you,” Merlin said. “I’m worried about everyone back in Camelot. I hope they’re alright.”

That much was most certainly true, but there was more to it than that. More that Arthur evidentially was not going to get to hear.

“So do I,” he replied, and allowed Merlin to get some sleep.

*

Merlin noticed Arthur stumbling as they walked their horses through the thick woods, and automatically reached out to steady him.

“It’s all right,” Arthur said, as if he wasn’t pale as a sheet.

“No, it’s the wound. Let me have a look.”

He just started to check when the snap of a branch caught his attention. “Get down!” he whispered and pulled Arthur down behind a fallen tree. He held his breath while Cenred’s men passed nearby.

He looked at Arthur to say they could get up, but Arthur’s eyes were closed. He wasn’t moving. Merlin shook him, whispered his name, but nothing.

This was bad.

*

Arthur woke up feeling as fit as ever. He walked out of the cave he found himself in and spotted Merlin sitting on the rocks.

“I feel great! What the hell did you give me?”

“It was all down to Balinor.” Merlin indicated an older man standing by a nearby stream, fishing.

“So we found him, then? Thank heaven for that.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s willing to help.” Only now did Arthur notice that Merlin’s mood was if possible even worse than it had been at the inn.

“What?”

“You won’t persuade him,” Merlin said unhappily.

“Does he know what’s at stake?” Merlin just nodded. “What kind of man is he?” Arthur wondered.

“I don’t know,” Merlin said, so low that Arthur wasn’t certain he was meant to hear it. “I thought he’d be something… more.”

He sounded even more disappointed than Arthur felt, somehow. Well, Arthur was still going to give it a go.

*

“What did he say?” Merlin asked after Arthur came back out from his conversation with Balinor.

“He’ll change his mind,” Arthur replied, though it was more out of hope than certainty.

“He said that?”

“Just… Give him a moment.”

Sure enough, Balinor exited the cave soon after. He looked at the two men. “Farewell, then.”

Arthur couldn’t believe it. “That’s your decision?”

“I will not help Uther.”

“Then the people of Camelot are dead!” Arthur shouted. Did the man not realise that most citizens of Camelot were _not_ Uther Pendragon?

“So be it.”

“Have you no conscience?!”

“You should ask that question of your father!” Balinor shouted back. Arthur wasn’t certain what to say to that, but it seemed Merlin did.

“And you are no better than him!” Merlin’s voice echoed from the cave behind them.

“Don’t waste your time, Merlin,” Arthur said and started to walk away, though inside he felt proud.

“You know, Gaius spoke of the nobility of dragonlords,” Merlin said. Arthur kept walking, but slower. He wanted to hear. “Clearly he was wrong.”

That seemed to have an impact on Balinor. “Gaius?”

“Yes."

“A good man.”

“Yeah,” Merlin replied. “I was hoping you’d be like him. I was hoping… Well. But there is no point.”

Merlin turned around and followed Arthur into the forest. He didn’t say one word as they rode, or while they set up camp later. Arthur was struggling with his own disappointment over Balinor’s decision, but Merlin looked as though he was personally offended.

“I always thought that silence would be a blessing with you,” Arthur said. “But I find it just as irritating. You’re a riddle, Merlin.”

“A riddle?”

“Yes.” Arthur hesitated. _Just stop talking_ , he tried to tell himself. But it wasn’t right for Merlin to look so sad, and he had to try something. “But I’ve got to quite like you.”

That seemed to draw Merlin’s attention, at least a little. “Yeah?”

“Now I realise you’re not as big a fool as you look.”

“Yeah, I feel the same,” Merlin said. “Now that I realise you’re not as arrogant as you sound.”

“You still think I’m arrogant?” Arthur asked, smiling now that Merlin was finally sounding like himself.

“No. More… Supercilious.”

“That’s a big word, Merlin!” Arthur teased. “You sure you know what it means?”

“Condescending.”

“Very good.”

“Patronising.”

“It doesn’t quite mean that.”

“No, these are other things you are,” Merlin said, and Arthur was thrilled to see him smile, and simultaneously offended.

“Hang on!”

“Over-bearing,” Merlin continued, but Arthur was distracted by the sound of a snapping twig. He grabbed his sword.

“Shhh.”

“Very overbearing.”

“Merlin!”

“But you wanted me to talk!”

Thankfully, Merlin heard the second twig snap and picked up a sword, mirroring Arthur. They waited, ready.

“Careful, boy,” came a familiar voice. Balinor emerged from the trees. “I thought you might need some help. This is dangerous country.”

Arthur let out a relieved breath. “And will you return to Camelot with us?”

Balinor’s attention focused on Merlin. “You are right, Merlin. There are some in Camelot who risked their lives for me. I owe a debt that must be repaid.”

“Great!” Arthur exclaimed. “Let’s eat.”

* 

Merlin got to have one meaningful conversation with his father, only to have him die in his arms. As he tried to hide his tears from Arthur, Merlin couldn’t stop thinking that both of them had deserved better.

*

“Well, look on the bright side, Merlin,” Arthur said as Merlin fiddled with his armour. “Chances are you’re not going to have to clean this again.”

Merlin didn’t rise to the joke. “You must be careful today. Do not force the battle.”

“Yes, Sire!” Arthur couldn’t help but mock – Merlin’s face was thick with emotion and he could tell he had been crying again, no matter how much he tried to disguise it. He couldn’t stand it.

“I’m serious,” Merlin chastised.

“I can hear that.”

“Let matters take their course.”

“Oh Merlin, if I die, please…” He trailed off. He realised he couldn’t finish that sentence, not even as a joke. Dying today meant this was his last moments with Merlin.

“What?” Merlin prompted.

Arthur sighed. “The dragonlord today. I saw you. One thing I tell all my young knights: no man is worth your tears.”

It wasn’t something he taught them to be heartless, or cruel, or to deny themselves emotions. It was because most knights were going to die, and if you cried each time you lost a brother in arms, you would quickly find yourself overcome by grief.

“Yeah.” Merlin tried for a smile. “You’re certainly not.”

Arthur moved to pick up a sword from the table, and Merlin picked up one of his own.

“What are you doing?”

Merlin looked at him like he had asked a very stupid question. “I’m coming with you.”

Arthur blinked. “Merlin, the chances are I’m going to die.”

“Yeah,” Merlin said with a glint in his eye. “Yeah, you probably would if I wasn’t there.”

“Right,” Arthur scoffed, partly for Merlin to believe he didn’t take him seriously, and partly because he knew Merlin probably wasn’t wrong.

“Do you know how many times I’ve had to save your royal backside?” Merlin joked, and he was smiling that Merlin smile, the one that warmed Arthur inside.

“Well at least you got your sense of humor back.” He grinned.

Arthur headed for the door, and Merlin followed. Arthur stopped. Normally, Merlin would sneak after Arthur if he were insistent on helping, to use magic without anyone noticing. Yet here he was, not being subtle at all.

“Are you really going to face this dragon with me?” Arthur stared at Merlin in awe. He knew about Merlin’s magic, but he also knew that Merlin hadn’t been able to use that to stop the dragon before. He had as much to lose as Arthur did.

“I’m not going to sit here and watch,” Merlin said. "I know it’s hard for you to understand how I feel, but…” Arthur’s heartbeat sped up. “Well, I care a hell of a lot about that armour, I’m not going to let you mess it up.”

They both burst out laughing, and in that moment, Arthur thought that perhaps everything could be alright.

*

Arthur blinked up at the cloudy sky, his head ringing and his body aching, but very much alive. “What happened?”

Merlin helped him to his feet, smiling from ear to ear. “You dealt him a mortal blow.”

It was the happiest Merlin had ever looked while lying before. “He’s gone?”

“Yeah. You did it.”

Merlin radiated with pride, which was insane, because Arthur knew very well that he’d done nothing at all. Somehow Merlin had saved the day, and he had no idea how, but he looked as if he nearly believed his own lie; that Arthur was the hero.

The insanity of that, and the beauty of Merlin’s smile, was enough to make Arthur laugh. He laughed until his chest hurt.

“You did it,” Merlin repeated, beaming, and Arthur knew for a fact there was nothing in the world more beautiful than that.

*

They were greeted by Gwen and Gaius at the drawbridge. Gwen embraced Merlin and then Arthur. It surprised him a little – Gwen wasn’t usually so open with her affections in public – but Arthur appreciated it all the same.

Gaius embraced Merlin beside them. “My boy,” Gaius laughed against Merlin’s hair, and Arthur was so glad that someone would treat Merlin like the hero he was.

“I felt him there with me, Gaius,” Merlin whispered to the older man. Arthur knew he wasn’t supposed to hear it, but he did.

“He’ll always be with you,” Gaius replied. Arthur had a hundred questions.

“I hope so,” Merlin said, smile not fading.

They all started walking towards the palace, Gwen and Arthur a little ways ahead of the other two, but Gwen didn’t speak. It was as if she knew Arthur was busy eavesdropping.

“Merlin, I know I can never compare with your father, but for what it’s worth, you’ve still got me.”

“Well. I suppose I’ll just have to make do.”

The two of them laughed, but Arthur’s joy and relief were replaced with more questions. As it always was with Merlin, he had given Arthur a lot to think about and he didn’t even know it.

*

“You really need to stop coming to my door so late at night,” Gwen said when she opened her door to Arthur. “People are going to talk, and you know Merlin already thinks we’re madly in love.”

Normally, Arthur would laugh, but he couldn’t quite get there at the moment. “It’s Merlin I wanted to talk to you about.”

“What a shock,” Gwen teased, but her smile was kind when she stood aside to let him in.

“I’ve been going over the events of the past few days, of Merlin’s mood while we travelled and everything that happened with the dragonlord… And then you heard the conversation between Merlin and Gaius earlier.”

“The one you simply _had_ to listen to?”

“Gwen, I think… I think Balinor was Merlin’s father.”

That made her sit up straight. “What?”

“I know it sounds insane,” Arthur said, “but I cannot think of another explanation. For three days, the dragon terrorized Camelot and Merlin couldn’t stop it with his magic. Then the last dragonlord dies, and suddenly Merlin’s magic is enough to stop the dragon?”

Arthur was pacing around the room. It was better for his mind to say these things out loud than quietly obsess over them in his own chambers, but it was still a lot to process.

“And you should have seen him in the forest. When Balinor died, he was beside himself. He tried to hide it, I thought he was just embarrassed, but he didn’t want me to know what Balinor meant to him.”

“Merlin never knew his father," Gwen pointed out. “You think he didn’t know his father was alive until you set out to find him?”

“That is precisely what I think,” Arthur said. “And I think Merlin had to watch his own father die in his arms barely a day after he met him.”

“You’re not going to tell him you’ve figured this out, are you?” Gwen asked thoughtfully.

“Of course I can’t do that! It would mean revealing that I know about his magic. He isn’t ready for me to know that yet, or he would have told me.”

“Even though you are possibly the one person who knows how he feels right now?” Gwen said. “Having one brief moment with your long lost parent, only to lose them all over again? Who else but you can know that pain?”

She was right, and Arthur knew it. He wanted to be there for Merlin, to help him grieve this loss that he had to hide from everyone except Gaius.

But he couldn’t.

“If I tried to support him in this,” Arthur said in a low voice, embarrassed at his own weakness. “If I truly let my guard down with him like that, I don’t think I would be able to pull back from him again. I can barely keep my distance as it is. If I take a step closer, I wouldn’t be able to step away.”

“And would that really be so bad?” Gwen asked, but held her hands up at one glare from Arthur. “I know, I know, you feel the need to protect him, I have heard all your reasons. Trust me, the person I care about could be anywhere in the world right now and all in the name of protection. I understand the sacrifices we make.”

“Sorry, Gwen. You’re right, it’s insensitive of me to come to you like this all the time. At least Merlin is beside me every day where I can see him.”

Gwen sighed and stood to join Arthur, both of them leaning against the wall. “We’re quite the pair, aren’t we?” she said. “It really would be simpler if we didn’t love these people so much. The story would be so much simpler if we felt for each other as we do for them.”

“Simpler,” Arthur agreed, “but not sincere.”

“Indeed.” Gwen leaned against him.

At least if their hearts were to remain broken, they could be broken together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know one of the many reasons why I love doing this re-write project? I'm altering things I believe would have been better, but I'm not "fixing" the characters. They still make mistakes in this version. You can be furious at Merlin for stealing Morgana's memory of his magic. You can be annoyed at how Arthur and Gwen keep talking about Merlin's magic without him knowing about it. I'm hoping that even with my alterations, the characters are still themselves, and they are not perfect. Well, maybe Gwen. But otherwise.
> 
> I love doing this fix-it, guys. It makes me so happy! Season Three, coming at you soon! <3

**Author's Note:**

> https://raincs.tumblr.com/
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/raincs


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